hawthorne: learning to let go—sending my child with special needs to summer camp
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how do we let our kids go and experience things without our love right there and accessible?
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last summer, i struggled to get my son quinton off to camp. he’s returning this july, and the feeling hasn’t changed.
i remember how it went last year. i packed his gigantic duffel bag, got his sleeping bag and well-loved stuffy, poa, the pig from disney’s moana, in the car. we’re ready to hit the road. in all my excitement and double-checking the essentials like sunscreen and toothpaste, i realized that my gurgling stomach was churning with emotion.
confession: i was terrified.
this was the first time for my son to be away from home, staying with people he doesn’t know. while this six-day overnight camp in rural ontario was on the water, surrounded by woods and wildflowers, he’d never been there before. and (gulp) i wouuldn’t be staying with him if he’s scared or anxious or doesn’t want to eat the food in the dining hall.
handing over the care reins to someone else is hard
for the parents and caregivers who are familiar with the dread of handing over the care reins to someone else, i get you. how do we let our kids go and experience things without our love right there and accessible? the world can be a scary place. what if some of the other kids don’t like him? what if he feels lonely? what if…
quinton is a warm, funny likeable guy, but he has a lot of atypical challenges as a person with autism and intellectual delays. he can adapt to transitions and new situations pretty well now (after a lot of behaviour therapy and other supports) but the unexpected can be upsetting, even if we’ve talked at length about what could happen. like if he’s in a space where the lights are suddenly turned off or there’s a riot of loud noises, he grabs my hand and covers his ears, anxious to make an exit.
will he really be okay without a kiss goodnight from me? i try to reassure myself with all the benefits of his time away to build independence and socialize with others. these are important opportunities i want to give him.
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finding a camp that can look out for my son’s special needs is a big win
he likes camping! running barefoot on a sandy beach, poking at the campfire and eating hotdogs. plus, this summer cabin camping experience is camp dreamwood, a very special camp for kids of all abilities. inclusivity underlies everything they do. and they have a basketball court, which is a total bonus for my son who can shoot hoops endlessly. it’s his happy place.
i’ve done my research and i’ve been referred to this camp by educators. there’s not many in ontario to choose from for kids with high needs. this one has special training for counsellors to understand the sensory needs and unique challenges that can come up for kids like quinton. we’ve gone through the prep session for the camp where the director advises people not to make a big deal of telling kids they’ll miss them when they’re away or saying things like, ‘i don’t know what i’ll do without you,’ because that language can make kids’ feel anxious about being away from home.
like most of the other parents, we have taken photos—happy shots of my husband and i and quinton’s dog, bingo, are in three envelopes with a note to say hello—that will be given out to campers during their stay. there are so many great activities that await, like canoeing, swimming, group games, evening singalong and campfires, so i know it will be good for him.
still, when we arrived at the camp and were told it was a quick good-bye, i had to hold the tears back. they have a camp counsellor come and get your kid’s things and walk them down the path to the cabins. it felt a little surreal. quinton was holding tight to his poa, not looking back.
summer camp is about building confidence and growing up
so, did it work out okay? well, we didn’t get a phone call home from a concerned camp director (relief!) and i watched instagram reels from the camp, spotting my smiling kid at some points. when we came to pick him up, he was getting in some last hoop-shots on the basketball court and in no hurry to leave. his camp “award” was a wood medallion with future lebron james award. i think he’s a more confident kid now and that’s incredible to see. and lesson learned, he did it all without me.
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he’s returning to camp dreamwood this july for a longer stay and more evening campfires (his favourite part) and even more growing up.
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