5 lessons losing a child to suicide taught me about parenting
as much as i want to rewrite the past, i can’t. what i can do is share the lessons maddie’s life and her loss taught me about parenting.
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i’ll never forget the moments maddie tried to tell us she was struggling, but i didn’t listen as deeply as i should have.
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2025 will mark 10 years since we lost maddie. it’s been a decade that has been the most tragic, emotional, and transformative period of my life. i’ve cried more tears than i ever thought possible, reflecting on the weight of that loss and how i hold myself accountable. i’ve experienced sadness so profound it felt insurmountable, yet this decade has also been one of profound purpose.
losing maddie taught me more about parenting than i could have ever imagined. it’s not about lessons forged in heartbreak but grounded in love. it’s taught me to listen more deeply, to show up more fully, and to love more intentionally. these lessons don’t erase the pain but help me honour maddie’s memory and give me purpose in moving forward.
a moment in my life divides everything into “before” and “after.” it was the moment i looked down at my phone and saw 22 missed calls. my heart sank. then came the words no parent ever wants to hear: maddie was missing. moments later, i learned she’d sent a goodbye text telling us she loved us.
i replay that day in my mind relentlessly, wishing for a chance to do something differently, say the right thing, and ask one more question. but as much as i want to rewrite the past, i can’t. what i can do is share the lessons maddie’s life and her loss taught me about parenting. these lessons are born from pain, but they’ve also clarified what matters as a parent.
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1. listen more than you speak
i’ll never forget the moments maddie tried to tell us she was struggling, but i didn’t listen as deeply as i should have. she didn’t always use words. sometimes, it was a shift in her mood, a question left unanswered, or a small comment like, “i’m just tired.” i thought i understood, but i didn’t dig deeper. we tend to rationalize their behaviour. we try not to be an alarmist because we try not to be one of “those parents.”
teens often don’t say exactly what’s on their minds, especially when hurting. they drop clues, subtle ones, hoping someone will pick them up. i’ve learned that listening is more than hearing words. it’s about noticing the unspoken, creating space for them to share, and letting them know it’s safe to speak.
2. be present, not perfect
as parents, we often feel this invisible pressure to get everything right. we want to be the perfect provider, problem-solver, and role model. but the truth is, our kids don’t need perfect parents. they need parents who show up, even when they’re flawed, tired, or unsure. sometimes, a hug is all they need. sometimes, that is all the energy we have to give them.
looking back, i wish i’d spent less time worrying about whether i was doing everything “right” and more time simply being there for maddie. those moments matter. whether it’s a conversation at the dinner table, a shared moment during a car ride, or even sitting together in silence, our kids remember them.
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3. normalize conversations about mental health
there’s a stigma around mental health that keeps so many teens silent. maddie was no exception. i’ve thought a lot about the questions i didn’t ask, the fears i didn’t address, and the conversations i avoided because i didn’t want to say the wrong thing.
if i could return, i’d make mental health a typical topic in our home. i’d ask her how she felt, even if it felt uncomfortable. studies show that talking openly about mental health doesn’t plant ideas; it opens doors. it lets our kids know it’s okay to struggle and that help is always available.
4. celebrate their individuality
maddie was one of a kind. she was funny, creative, and compassionate. she had a spark that drew people to her. but like many teens, she sometimes doubted her worth.
as parents, it’s easy to focus on who we think our kids should be instead of celebrating who they are. i’ve learned the importance of seeing and embracing their uniqueness. our kids aren’t here to meet our expectations. they’re here to forge their path. and it’s our job to cheer them on, even when their journey looks different than we imagined.
5. love unconditionally and say it often
if there’s one thing i hope maddie always knew, it’s how deeply she was loved. but i still wish i’d said it more. you must say it during ordinary days, not just in big moments.
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teens must hear those words, even if they roll their eyes or act like it doesn’t matter. they must know that our love isn’t tied to their grades, behaviour, or achievements. it’s constant, unshakable, and unconditional.
and it’s not just about saying, “i love you.” it’s about showing it in the little things: listening when they need to talk, supporting their dreams, and reminding them, in every way we can, that they’re enough just as they are.
final thoughts
the day i lost maddie changed me forever. it taught me that parenting isn’t about perfection but presence, patience, and love. it’s about noticing the small signs, having the hard conversations, and showing up, even when messy and imperfect.
if you take away one thing, let it be this: don’t wait for a crisis to connect with your teen. look for the small opportunities to listen, ask, and love.
maddie’s story is painful, but it’s also a reminder to cherish our time, hold our kids close, and never stop letting them know how much they mean to us.
because at the end of the day, what our kids need most isn’t perfect parents. they need us.
chris coulter is an accomplished author, renowned for his book “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide.” as a passionate advocate for mental health, he has delivered impactful keynote speeches at numerous conferences. motivated by personal tragedy, chris lost his daughter, maddie, to suicide in april 2015. he currently serves as an advisor and formerly the executive director of how are you feeling, a non-profit organization focused on social-emotional learning, helping children navigate and comprehend their emotions effectively.
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this article was originally published on january 6, 2025.
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