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#askalyson: when doctor's appointments no longer include mom
parenting expert alyson schafer on whether your teen should go it alone with their gp
#askalyson: healthy sleep habits are as important as nutrition
it's time to recognize how critical sleep is to our health and that of our kids, writes parenting expert alyson schafer.
a child's sleeping habits should be as healthy as their eating habits, says parenting expert alyson schafer. getty
i have three kids and they all have different sleep issues. the youngest wakes too early and i don’t want to get up with him. the middle child is up in the night and when i can’t get her back to sleep i let her crawl into my bed just to get some sleep myself. my eldest is a teenager and he stays up late, and i let him since he claims he is doing homework, but i know he could get it all done faster if he wasn’t also texting his friends. i don’t think anyone is getting enough sleep. should i worry?
i feel your pain. this is an exhausting set of circumstances and yes, i do think you need to be worried. good on you for taking this seriously and writing in for support.
for all the other parents reading this, let me elaborate on why sleep should be taken seriously. for far too long we have misunderstood and belittled the notion of sleep. our culture exults those who are active, productive and achieving. meanwhile, we poo-poo those who nap and go to bed early. we deem them as lazy. let’s face it, sleep has been largely undervalued and almost demonized.
well, now we have research about the importance of sleep which we can’t ignore. as we educate the public, concerned parents like yourself will be more motivated to ensure their children’s sleep habits are as healthy as their eating habits.
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a few of the important activities that take place when we sleep include, cellular repair, coding the day’s learning into long term memory, muscle-building and hormone regulation — including the release of growth hormone
in fact, journalist po bronson cites research that shows 10 minutes of missed sleep reduces children’s cognitive performance by two full grades.
so this begs the next question: if we know sleep matters, just how much do your children need? my advice is this: don’t guess — use a sleep calculator instead. show the results to your children so they don’t think you are changing their bedtime because you are a meanie — it’s very similar to teaching them to eat their fruits and vegetables to make their body healthy.
going to bed is a psychological process
so many parents have trouble with their children’s sleep because they simply don’t understand the science — not just of sleep — but of the entire psychological process of going to bed.
it’s important to create a great sleep routine and follow it nightly with consistency, getting kids into a pattern that induces sleep, in a bedroom that is conducive to sleep. here are the steps you need to take:
- determine how much sleep your child needs from the sleep calculator
- work backwards to make a bedtime ritual with your child, don’t simply impose one
- the schedule should include a calming winding down of the day (no screens or stressors 30 min before bed). the brain will start shifting into sleep mode as it recognizes the routine over time
- bedrooms should be pitch black, cool verging on chilly and quiet (or white noise).
- bedrooms should only be associated as a place to sleep, so get kids to do homework, gaming, or tv in the family room or rec room instead.
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those are the basics. now it’s up to the last variable: are you as a parent able to hold a boundary? each of your kids is pushing your boundaries and you are caving in to their behaviours and moving the boundary. you are not alone. when experts investigate kids and their sleep issues, the biggest culprit is parents who can’t set and maintain boundaries.
so, i would tackle this one child at a time. start with the youngest. use the sleep calculator and work backwards to see what a reasonable time is to wake and start the day. you might try making keeping him up later to see if he will sleep longer, but morning birds are a chronotype that don’t shift much. you are better off to buy them a special clock that changes colour to show when the sun is up and they can get out of bed. if they wake before that, have a juice cup and a basket of books or quiet toys they can play with independently until your wake-up time. again, you should likely look at your bedtime and adjust that to wake earlier yourself.
good sleep is about keeping boundaries
once you’ve been consistent with not socializing with your youngest until your wake time, move on to the middle child. explain in advance that you are no longer going to allow them in your bed at night. you have a few choices in how to keep that boundary: you can quietly walk them back to their room repeatedly until they understand you won’t change your mind and they eventually give up. or you give them a choice: can you stay in your room and out of mine? or do i need to lock on my door? (a simple hook and eye or installing a childproof handle.) most kids prefer you keep your door open and unlocked. lastly, some people find allowing a child to sleep on a small camping matt they have stashed under the parent’s bed solves the problem of getting a good night sleep. only one small interruption instead of a kid tossing and turning keeping you up the rest of the night.
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after you’ve conquered the middle child’s challenge, it’s time to talk with your teen about the research and your concern. we must win their co-operation, not force their compliance. ask them what they think is a reasonable approach to solving their body’s need for good sleep, and how to balance that with homework and socializing. ask how you can help support the schedule they create. you can ask them to create a consequence: what should happen if it’s past midnight and you are still up doing homework? would it help if i turned the wifi off so you are not tempted to look at tiktok or snapchat? whatever you decide together, make it an experiment for a week and then check in to see what was working and what wasn’t and then tweak your approach. you might be surprised by how much better teens realize they feel after a good night of sleep.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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