#askalyson: when doctor's appointments no longer include mom
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should your teen see their doctor without you?
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dear alyson:
my 16-year-old daughter has asked me not to accompany her to doctors’ appointments. i am a little uncomfortable with this, but am trying to respect her wishes. however, i am worried i may miss a health problem as a result. how can i handle my daughter’s request with grace?
it’s hard for us moms to allow our kids to manage their health themselves. we like to believe our involvement is needed for all to go well. it also feels nice to know we still play an important role in their lives and we are needed. staying busy looking after them gives our life purpose and meaning. and though we may not be ready to let them go it alone just yet, we also know we have to give our kids responsibility so they can grow up and become fully functioning adults.
if we really care about our teens and their health problems, we are more likely to have good outcomes if we give them privacy with their doctor when asked. even if your relationship with your daughter is open and positive, she may still hesitate to disclose sensitive information in the doctor’s office if you are there because she may not want to upset you or jeopardize your relationship. take it as a compliment!
remember, her doctor is a partner in her health care, so she is not really doing this on her own. if the two of them have a trusting relationship, your daughter will feel she can ask questions and share her concerns without being judged. it also ensures she gets sound advice.
i certainly remember the day i took my daughter to our family doctor for her annual physical: the doctor said to us, “this will be the last physical mom attends.” i realized he was right.
dr f. needed to ask questions like: have you become sexually active? do you vape or do other drugs? gps can have important, influential conversations with their young patients, conversations that might not be easy for the parents to hear. heck, we may not even have all the answers they are looking for.
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and let’s face it, teens will listen to almost anyone other than their parents. in a discussion of tongue piercings and the risk of brain infection, who do you think your teen is likely to pay attention to – you or the doctor, even if you provide the same information?
teens must also be able to discuss more than physical problems with their gps. they may feel lonely and anxious, or upset about relationships or academic pressures. knowing their doctor will preserve their confidentiality creates a safe place for them to talk. the physician can listen and make sure the proper next steps or referrals happen. they may also encourage the teen to allow them to speak to their parents about any health problems, which can also help the patient have a supported conversation.
the age at which teens are deemed capable of making decisions about their health and the right to privacy are complex issue that include many factors, such as an individual’s ability to understand and make decisions. talk to your doctor if you would like to know more about your teens and their rights.
now, just to be clear, sometimes having a parent or another person at a doctor’s appointment can be helpful. it can be scary and hard to listen and absorb everything a doctor says. however, if you are asked to leave the room, or your teen wants to speak to the doctor alone, be aware this is a good sign: she will get the right diagnosis, and the right treatment. better health for all.
happy parenting,
alyson
have a parenting question? send alyson a note at info@healthing.ca
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