#askalyson: when is the right time to introduce children to a new romantic partner?
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family rituals and holiday traditions are significant to children so don’t feel terrible if they don’t want your new boyfriend at the house for christmas when you open stockings together the first year, for example.
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dear #askalyson
i am a divorced mother of three children ages 5, 7 and 9. i have recently started to date again after two years of separation/divorce. i have met someone that i really like. he has never been married and doesn’t have kids. he wants to meet my kids to see if they would get along before going any further. we’ve only been dating for six months, and i feel that is too early to bring a boyfriend into the mix. what are your thoughts on doing this properly so i don’t upset either the boyfriend or hurt my children in the process?
there is no magic number or formula for how long to wait before introducing your new partner to your kids. for example, some kids experienced chaos in their family before divorce and a new partner might actually bring a much-needed calmness and predictability that had been lacking. that would be a “sooner the better” scenario.
other kids may still be processing their parents’ divorce and need time to settle into the new reality of life without their intact family before they can handle adding any new people to the mix. it’s common for young children to be confused about how to have feelings of liking their mother’s new boyfriend without also feeling they are betraying their dad. with maturity they won’t have those feelings of split loyalties. that can be alleviated if your former partner gives the children permission to like mom’s new boyfriend by saying things like “i’m happy your mom found someone, he is a great guy. i hope you like him too.”
i would recommend keeping your dating life private until you’ve met someone of significance and you’ve had about a year together. you may have been seeing this person while your marriage was ending so the timelines can be tricky. you may be ready to take things to the next level, but your kids may not and if your goal is to have your children build a relationship with your new partner, your likelihood of success is to go slowly and at their speed.
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children easily get attached to adult figures and if you break up, it’s another painful loss for your child. typically, the first boyfriend after divorce is exciting and intriguing. they provide you with things you were missing in the marriage, but just because this is exciting and new, it doesn’t mean it’s the long-term relationship that will sustain you. sow your new wild oats, but keep the kids out of it until you’re sure of the viability of the relationship.
when you do begin the process of introducing a new partner to the children, i would approach it in an incremental fashion so you can take a read on your children’s emotional state.
an example of increments might be:
- knowing your mom is actively dating again
- knowing your mom has a new partner
- meeting the person your mom is dating at the door when they pick her up so the child has a face and name to put together in their mind
the first time your boyfriend spends time with you and your kids, it should be doing an activity like bowling, skating or a trip to the zoo. the kids are engaged and their focus is on the activity. they just happen to be sharing an experience with your boyfriend. that is much lower stress than sharing a meal trying to strike up a conversation with the sole purpose of getting to know one another. that is very stressful for kids.
keep going about your family life and just insert your boyfriend into more occasions as they warm to him. discuss as a family the activities they do and don’t want to share. family rituals and holiday traditions are significant to children so don’t feel terrible if they don’t want your new boyfriend at the house for christmas when you open stockings together the first year, for example.
be patient and don’t force a relationship. remember, they didn’t pick this person to be in their lives. children should be taught that all people should be treated respectfully, including your boyfriend. it’s a bonus if they form a friendship and most do.
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bottom line: slow and steady wins the race. trust your ability to see where the kids are at and stay attuned to what they need when you’re making dating decisions.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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