#askalyson: my 13-year-old has a hickey
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dear alyson,
my 13-year-old boy came home with two hickeys on his neck. i wasn’t mad — more disappointed after all, he is only 13. we had a conversation about health — given that we are in the middle of a pandemic — and sex, and consent, and the fact that hickeys look awful (what do his teachers think?) i also explained that i was disappointed. it has been bothering me though. did i handle it the right way?
dear disappointed,
i am glad you were able to stay calm instead of angry, and that you could have a conversation instead of a fight or lecturing. yes, you did well.
as our children mature into adolescence they start to develop hormones and sexual drives and curiosity. it’s distressing for us to think of our innocents in this new way.
rest assured, just because he had a hickey at 13 doesn’t mean he’ll be having sex at 14. as we have become more open about the topic of sex, parents perceive that youth are starting to have sex earlier, but according to sexandu.ca that is not the case.
the goal for parents to is to be both an educator and a confidante. we want to help our kids grow into mature adults who have a good relationship with their own sexuality and who can be in healthy relationships with others, both in and out of the bedroom. we also want them to avoid any feelings of regret, shame or guilt that can impact them in the future.
talking about sex is a complicated subject and is never a one-time conversation. they have different questions at different ages and their ability to handle more complicated topics improves as they grow through the teen years.
keep up the dialogue, and prove to him you’re a good person to trust to be his sounding board and expert.
what about those hickeys?
now let’s take a moment to talk about hickeys specifically. purplish and red, they look a little like a bruise, and they happen after intense sucking on the skin. you sure can’t get one for six feet away, so i am glad you discussed the covid rules.
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hickeys also leave a mark which shows the world you are “getting some” or “have a girlfriend.” it’s about the world seeing it, even if you try to hide it. it shows you have someone who is into you and you are taking it to the next level — a kind of social boasting, if you will.
notice that adults don’t give each other hickeys because they are not actually very sexually exciting, are they? there are no feelings of, “wow, i am turned on by you sucking on my neck.” there might be the feeling of “i am so turned on that you’re close to my body,” but reflect with him on the fact that hickeys are actually not very erotic.
so we are left with the question: why do youth do it? largely because they have been told that is what you do. it’s part of the “making out” narrative that they learn — and this is what concerns me most. sadly, many teens learn about sex from watching online porn, and with many parents too embarrassed to talk about sex, we have a generation of youth being given misguided ideas about what sexual encounters look like. cindy gallop talks about the porn-influenced behaviours that distort our youths understanding of intimacy in her book, website and tedtalk make love, not porn.
you can share with your son that when we are developing sexually, we need to pay attention to how we feel and communicate those feelings to our partner: “i like this, i don’t like that. more of this, less of that,” instead of re-enacting what they watched online. this takes a lot of maturity and it’s not likely going to happen with a simple “hook-up” or “make-out session.” the best sexual relationships happen when you are really close and able to communicate well before entering into sexual activities. pick your partners well, learn to listen and speak your truth.
i hope this gives you some calm confidence that you are doing a good job and keep up the good work, momma!
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alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on twitter @alysonschafer.
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