#askalyson: cutting is a child's way of coping
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cutting is classified as non-suicidal self-injury, where the goal is to cause pain, but not end one's life. getty
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my teenage child just told me that he has been engaging in self-harm behaviour — cutting, to be specific. he has experienced some depression, has a therapist, and he says he hasn’t thought of taking his life, but just that cutting himself helps him “feel better” when he is feeling depressed. i am wondering if you have advice on the best way i should respond to this, and also how can i best support him?
i am so glad you were able to find a counsellor for your son to help him deal with this depression and hopefully he has shared with them that he is also self-harming. if he hasn’t i would recommend encouraging him to do so.
non-suicidal self-injury (nssi) is defined as purposely hurting one’s self, but the goal is not to end one’s life. it can take the form of cutting or burning, hitting solid objects like punching a wall which can damage the hand, or scratching the skin to the point of bleeding and scarring.
one might ask why a child would want to do that? each child’s goal is different, but here are some the common reasons.
psychological pain. they are in such psychological pain with their depression that they have numbed themselves to ease the pain, but inflicting physical pain makes them come out of their robot-numb state and feel alive again. when you cut, the nerve endings send emergency signals to the brain which in response releases beta-endorphins which makes you feel better temporarily.
feeling out of control. they may be dissociating and having “out of this world” feelings that are scary. it’s a feeling of having no control of their experience. cutting solves that by bringing the feelings back to the body in the form of pain, but there’s also a sense of regaining control.
low self-esteem. children may have negative feelings about themselves, and take their anger out by hurting themselves as a form of retribution.
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communicating despair. kids may also use self-harm as a way of communicating to others non-verbally the depths of their despair which may not have been heard or taken seriously before.
you’ve already done the most important thing: finding them professional help to work through the underlying issues that are creating psychological pain.
in addition, you can see if your child will open up about their cutting experience. listen lovingly and without judgment. cutting feels like having the dirty little secret to be ashamed of. it’s a relief to let someone know, as long as we don’t react and get upset with them.
what not to say when your child is self-harming
help normalize that they are not doing something weird, they are just trying to cope the best they can and while cutting helps, there are other ways to manage emotional dysregulation more safely. don’t try to motivate them by saying how they will be scarred for life or how people will judge them later when they see the marks. this will only backfire by adding more pressure and bad feelings to their already-overwhelming load.
instead, continue to build the relationship you have with your child. positive parental relationships help all children with their mental health and well-being. see if you can find activities to do together, even if it’s just following a show together on tv. show interest in them, even if they seem disinterested in you.
alternatives to self-harm
it’s helpful to share some options to self-harm, such as pressing an ice cube onto their wrist which can help activate the same beta-endorphins as cutting without hurting the skin. breathing practices that are a part of a fuller mindfulness meditation practice are beneficial too. i personally recommend jeff warren’s daily 10 minute guided meditation on the calm app — he is very funny and relatable to teens. a habit-tracking app also helps some kids. i have had teens proudly report, “87 days since the last time i cut!”
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self-harming behaviour can be very concerning, but with compassion and support, you can help your child through these challenges, while strengthening your relationship along the way.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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