a mother's journey caring for her daughter through breast cancer

some moms help their daughters move into dorms and prepare for college life, facetime for support and send extra spending money.

julie mcdermott helped her daughter go through breast cancer. lauren was only 22 when she was diagnosed and had to put university on pause to come home for treatment and care.

“she’s always been very healthy,” julie says, recalling how the family tried to take in the news. lauren was travelling out west during the summer when she felt something odd, like a mass that could have been a cyst in her breast. she came home to oakville, ont., to spend the last weeks before going back to queen’s university and went to see her family doctor. she was sent for an ultrasound to investigate what was happening.

“there was definitely something there, but again we weren’t really thinking breast cancer at that stage,” julie says. “the biggest thing is, because of her age at the time, there’s not a lot of resources. everything’s geared to older people.”

about 5.4 per cent of breast cancer cases in canada occur before age 40. a recent study in the canadian association of radiologists journalconfirmed that breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths among women aged 30 to 54, highlighting the impact of the disease in this age group. the why is linked to later diagnosis, lack of early screening and more aggressive cancers.

in fact, even lauren’s family doctor couldn’t tell her that it was suspected breast cancer, which julie said might have been the desire to be gentler with a younger person, but instead it was confusing. lauren liked people to be upfront with her, so she could deal with things. next, she was referred to oncology specialists for tests to confirm the diagnosis—even they seemed surprised by the finding.

“the doctors all were like, ‘do you smoke? no. do you drink? no. what’s your diet like?’ she eats the cleanest of anyone, exercises and does yoga, so nothing made sense as to why this was going on with her,” she says of breast cancer’s random strike. they had genetic testing done as well, but there were no markers.

shock of breast cancer diagnosis at 22

“but she was never ever like ‘why me?’ of course, it would cross her mind, but she wouldn’t sit in that. she pushed forward as to, okay, what are the next steps?”

lauren, 24, is a capable young woman who finds the positive and lives her days fully, likely much like her mom. julie runs a media business with her husband stephen. she’s the behind-the-scenes strategist, building social media campaigns and newsletters for companies to help drive their growth, always pushing her brain to do more. “it keeps me on my toes,” she laughs.

she had to leave another business she ran with a partner after her daughter’s diagnosis to take on the role of caregiver (and travel to toronto several times a month for appointments for lauren’s treatment), so the opportunity to start something new with her husband felt right for their future.

what many people don’t realize is that caregiving takes a lot of time, energy and steadfast determination to get a loved one through the worst of times. julie didn’t expect her life to take this unexpected turn, but she did it with a dedicated and practical approach.

balancing caregiving and being mom

one of the hardest parts of cancer for lauren was having to take a year off from her studies to become a teacher because education is so important to her, and she had a community there of friends, colleagues in the prison system where she helped run education programs and fellow athletes in intramural sports. there was a short window of time for julie to help defer her daughter’s university year and get things sorted for the course of treatment, while at the same time supporting her son who was also away at university.

“i had to strike a balance not to inundate him with too much information while still making sure he knew what was happening with his sister. there is already so much pressure on kids in university; this added extra worry for him. they’ve always been close and he of course wanted to support his sister, but he also knew that he had a job to do at school.”

she says her most significant role was to take the administrative tasks off lauren’s plate. “i had a notebook that i created with tabs for every doctor we saw, i took notes, had copies of all reports, a calendar of upcoming appointments and an ongoing list of questions that we had throughout the process. this allowed lauren to just stay focused on her treatment, and when we weren’t at appointments, she was able to go back to her normal activities. the last thing she wanted to do was take phone calls or do follow-ups when she didn’t have to,” julie says.

“so i became very fixated on the process of it all.”

lauren was also in the hands of an “amazing team” at st. michael’s hospital in toronto, where the surgeon was appreciative and straightforward, telling her she would have a really tough year ahead. but then he confided, “i have no doubt that this is completely curable and we will get you back on your feet, and you’ll be back to your life.”

she decided to forgo a lumpectomy to reduce the possibility of recurrence with a double mastectomy.

“she said, ‘look, i just want this out of me. i don’t want to have to deal with this a year down the road. i don’t want to play games.’ so she was going to just hit it head-on with as much as she could,” julie says, adding that a younger person’s view of cancer is different than someone older who might be more concerned about losing their breasts and their female identity.

different views of cancer

“there is a definite shift in that mentality that older women are so attached to their body image, whereas younger ones are like, ‘it doesn’t matter. i want to be healthy. i want my life. i want to live.’ and i think that’s what’s been really one thing that has come out of it,” she says of her own learning and outlook.

people with cancer in their 20s are not living in a “bubble” of treatment, hesitant to stray far from their specialists or resume any activities. lauren, for example, took time off during her treatment year to take a trip to ireland and also paused chemotherapy to go to a pre-planned taylor swift concert that she refused to miss.

cancer treatment, however, isn’t a straight path. the plan for lauren was surgery and then chemotherapy, but one of her lymph nodes was affected, so the order flipped to chemotherapy first and the decision to do an egg retrieval to preserve her fertility. chemotherapy targets rapidly dividing cells, including reproductive cells, which makes the ovaries vulnerable to treatment-related damage.

“she did the egg retrieval and basically started chemo the next day. that’s how close the dates were, and everything had to line up. that was a bit emotional because you don’t think at that age, oh my gosh, kids, like that’s so not on her radar. but it’s there as a precaution.”

staying calm through stress and worry

so, how do you become an emotional rock through all this? chemo, surgery, recovery and monitoring, when you just want the best for your daughter?

julie pauses. “i’ve learned from her a strength that i never thought could exist.” then she continues, “even during chemo, you’re looking at her and going, ‘how did we get here?’ but again, i’m on autopilot, right? i’ve realized since then, after the year went by, i hadn’t really taken in what was going on. i hadn’t let myself really process what we were dealing with. i was just like, ‘okay, we’ve got to go.’ and it’s been this last year that i’ve reflected on the whole experience.”

she’s learned how strong a person she can be and how positivity trumps all. she credits lauren for helping her see things differently. “she’s opened up my eyes to positivity in looking at situations and not staying in a negative headspace, and that you can pretty much get through anything.”

there’s much she’s thankful for these days, taking cues from her daughter who is passionate about advocacy and helping other young people who are facing breast cancer. lauren has built her own online community (instagram: laurenmariemcd and tiktok: @laurenmariemcd) to share her journey and show her hair loss and how it’s growing back. she’s also spoken at cancer events, removing her headscarf for emphasis.

now she’s on a daily oral pill and an injection once a month to keep her in a menopausal state because her cancer was hormone-driven. these medications will continue for another five years or more.

“so we’re both in menopause in our house now,” julie says, laughing. “we both get hot flashes, which is great. i feel like i’m not going through it by myself. i didn’t expect to do it with my 24-year-old, but hey.”

her kids have graduated and are back home again, ready to launch careers. lauren is going to australia in january for six months to supply teach and travel.

“she’s so excited about that. and again, we’ve just finished a series of appointments, her annual with her surgeon, and met with the oncologist to make a plan for medications and everything while she’s gone.”

as for care for the caregiver, julie will continue meeting with her friends on thursdays at a local spot, a casual gathering that cemented her own circle of support during lauren’s cancer.

“during chemo, my friends all did a meal train so that on monday, they would drop off food knowing that that week was going to be a tough week. they rotated who would bring that food for lauren, knowing what lauren could have and what would be easiest on her system. so that made things a lot easier for us, for me, my husband, to have that level of support, just another thing we didn’t have to worry about, right? we were so fortunate to have our community around us.”

for more information and resources for breast cancer, visitbreast cancer canada.