healing through the holidays: how to cope with mental health struggles this season
if your mental health takes a downturn during the holidays, it’s essential to practice healthy coping mechanisms to get through it.
7 minute read
isolation is a significant issue during the holiday season because while many people have strong community networks, others do not. some may also have unhealthy family dynamics that contribute to feelings of isolation.
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the holiday season is often portrayed as a time for fun, family, laughter, and joy. but that’s not always the case for roughly 52 per cent of canadians.
close to half of the country’s population experience the opposite, with feelings of anxiety, depression, and isolation amplified during “the most wonderful time of the year.”
pressures and expectations are at an all-time high during the festive season, making it difficult for many people to get into the holiday spirit at all. emily mashburn, a licenced mental health counsellor with adhdadvisor.org, believes that there are many factors at play when it comes to declining mental health and the holidays.
“we have so much on social media and movies of all this christmas is holly jolly all the time, or whatever you celebrate, and it’s not always right.”
isolation during the holidays
isolation is a significant issue during the holiday season because while many people have strong community networks, others do not. some may also have unhealthy family dynamics that contribute to feelings of isolation.
while statistics regarding how many canadians spend the holidays alone are scarce, other countries, such as the united kingdom, have done research and found that roughly seven per cent of the population had no family, friends, or community to spend the festivities with. however, it’s not just being completely alone that can contribute to feelings of isolation.
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“it might not be the people that they would want to be with,” said mashburn.
going home for the holidays can cause people to feel isolated, anxious, or depressed because of traumatic family dynamics.
“we have these expectations to spend time with family, and so when we’re expected to do that, depending on what our trauma is and how it looks in our lives, a lot of times it looks like people pleasing, you don’t want to say no, lack of boundaries, feeling fearful of the people around you,” she said, later continuing. “it can be very uncomfortable to, even as an adult, to go back into that home and just act like everything is okay and feel like everything is fine and dandy. when you have this history with this uncle or aunt over there that you’re just supposed to hide, that can be really traumatic to your mental well-being.”
mashburn also mentions that, in many cases, people may be completely unaware that being with their family can trigger a negative psychological response because they haven’t yet sifted through their traumas and what sets them off.
“when you go over to whoever’s house, and you don’t understand why you’re feeling so heightened, or like your heart is pounding, or you’re so triggered, or you just leave crying,” she said. “it can definitely cause heightened stress.”
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that said, people don’t always avoid these triggers, whether they’re aware of them or not, because they’re taught from a very young age that holidays are family time.
“it’s the societal norm. it’s the ‘we need to be around our family or these people for the holidays,’” she said.
grief is another powerful emotion that can sometimes be more difficult to cope with during the holidays due to feelings of isolation and sadness because when the festive season rolls around and it’s time to start thinking about who people will spend the holidays with, the reminder that a specific person isn’t around can be hard to ignore.
“if you’ve experienced a loss, the holidays can be particularly challenging because it reminds you, ‘oh my gosh, this person’s not here to be with me,’” said mashburn.
the financial stress of the holidays
the economy continues to be a source of stress for people at all times of the year, but around the holidays, when expectations of grand gifts, large elaborate dinners, and costly decorations add up, it can create a level of financial stress that’s hard to bear.
mashburn notes that many people feel pressure to break the bank because they’ve been conditioned to believe that the more they spend on people, the more love they’ll receive from them in the end.
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she says, “it doesn’t need to be like, ‘hey, i spent $500 on my husband. so, now he loves me, right?” but unfortunately for many, that sentiment is just part of the holiday season.
according to data by made in ca canadian statistics, the average canadian spent $1,347 on the holiday in 2023 alone, with only two per cent sticking to their budget. when it comes to overspending, seven per cent went over their budget by over $1,000.
the pressure to spend more than ever on the holidays continues to be a stressor that people can’t escape during the holiday season, leading to further declines in mental health.
intimate relationships and the holidays
media portrayals of romantic relationships during the holidays can be an industry in and of itself. in some cases, unrealistic expectations can put pressure on people in relationships to have “perfect” holidays that are just not attainable in everyday life.
one particular aspect of relationships more often affects younger couples, who have to decide between spending the holidays with each other or their respective families, missing out on a holiday together.
“what i’ve seen in my sessions pretty recently is relationship challenges, particularly in the younger populations,” said mashburn. “they’re just dating or living together where one person wants to go to their parents, and the other person goes to their parents, and it causes a bit of discord in the couple.”
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she notes that if they end up going their separate ways, they could end up experiencing feelings of isolation because although they’re with loved ones, they’re not spending the holidays with their partners.
the holidays also mark a time when intimate partner violence increases. this rise is attributed to higher rates of alcohol use (which bring out already-existent abusive tendencies as opposed to causing abuse), more financial stress, and more time spent in the home or trying to navigate packed schedules.
when abuse is thrown into the mix, the holidays become a time that people anxiously dread as opposed to excitedly look forward to.
coping with the holidays to protect your mental health
if your mental health takes a downturn during the holidays, it’s essential to practice healthy coping mechanisms to get through it. mashburn notes that there are few ways to do this.
when it comes to finances, setting expectations with others is the best way to approach the cost-driven stressors that arise during the holiday season.
“you can talk to your close family members or your partners or even your kids (and say), ‘hey, this is what christmas looks like. this is what hanukkah or whatever it is you celebrate; this is what it actually means.”
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by setting expectations for spending from the start, disappointment and the same pressure to spend more are much less likely to occur.
she also says that practicing self-care is of the utmost importance during the holiday season.
“you’re running around, and you’re doing so much for everybody else. it’s really easy to get lost in that. so, i think making sure that you intentionally carve out time to go do something (for yourself) … is a helpful mechanism,” she said.
boundaries are also beneficial, but setting boundaries isn’t always easy. that’s where psychoeducation comes in—along with the power to say no.
“psychoeducation and practice setting boundaries before the holidays are helpful,” said mashburn, later continuing, “something that also goes with boundaries is just being okay with saying no. no is an acceptable answer.”
mashburn means that regardless of your current family plans, whether you have one gathering that you don’t particularly want to attend or ten gatherings that you have to choose from, prioritizing what you really want over the expectations of others is the best way to protect your mental health this holiday season. this also includes prioritizing what you want your holiday season to look like and what you don’t want it to look like.
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“creating a loose plan is really helpful because it can help you feel like you know a little more of what to expect, and you feel like you’re more in control of your own situation,” she said.
according to mashburn, keeping a routine will also remove some of the hustle and bustle from the holidays, which often adds to stress and anxiety. you can also pick and choose who you contact, whether or not you contact anyone, and lean on your support system if you feel lonely—even if they’re far away.
“in our 2024 ways of facetime, texting, and even sending christmas cards,” she said. “stuff like that (can) reduce that loneliness to feel a bit connected.”
and, of course, skipping the holidays altogether isn’t off the table if they cause too much mental decline. there is no hard and fast rule that states you must celebrate any festivity at the end of december.
“choosing to not celebrate any holiday is also okay,” said mashburn. “you don’t have to celebrate.”
coping with the mental health decline that comes with the festivities of the holiday season is challenging, and in some cases, people can do all the right things and still feel depressed, anxious, or lonely. mashburn notes that, while negative feelings are unpleasant, it’s crucial not to punish oneself for feeling them at a time when society says they are unacceptable.
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“wherever they are is okay. i feel like people are really hard on themselves all the time, but particularly during the holiday times, and so if you are sad this christmas, that’s okay,” said mashburn. “we don’t want you to be sad, but it’s also okay to have feelings.”
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