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young women feel unable to say no to sexual encounters after saying yes; study
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research indicates that women are up to 25 per cent more likely than men to comply if they feel uncomfortable in a sexual encounter. getty
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a majority of young women feel they are unable to withdraw consent or say no to sexual activity after initially saying yes, according to research from the university of new brunswick.
this research is an extension of a larger study, looking at experiences of initial sexual encounters and how they impact sex and relationships in early adulthood. in the interviews for the initial study a common topic emerged — many of the women expressed they did not know they could say no, or did not feel comfortable saying no after they had already consented to sex.
“[participants would say], i should have realized that i could have said no at the time, even though i had already said yes,” explains lead researcher aryn benoit, phd candidate in clinical psychology at the university of new brunswick. ” … sadly, the majority of participants in the study reported, both when they were teenagers and to this day, that they have difficulties withdrawing consent.”
the research consisted of open-ended interviews with 40 students from canadian universities, with 31 of the interviewees identifying as women and 75 per cent as heterosexual. benoit says a majority of the female students interviewed brought up their experiences feeling like the couldn’t say no to sexual partners without being asked questions directly pertaining to withdrawing consent.
these results do not come as a surprise to farrah khan, ceo of possibility seeds, a canadian social change consultancy. often, consent is taught as a list item to get out of the way, she explains, rather than an ongoing conversation that has to occur throughout the encounter.
“too often young people and adults are taught that consent is like a checkbox,” says khan. “we treat consent like a contract and not a conversation.”
consent is an ongoing conversation
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treating consent like a checkbox may create an expectation that you must “finish what you started,” says benoit, with negative reactions for someone who decides they want to stop. for example, being labelled a “tease” or “unable to finish” can negatively impact students in their social lives.
previous research also indicates that women are up to 25 per cent more likely than men to comply if they feel uncomfortable in a sexual encounter. while these experiences occur to individuals of varying genders and sexuality, benoit says it is particularly seen in male-female dynamics where men are expected to pursue and women are expected to appease.
“these gender sexual scripts about men having to pursue sex, them having to have this sexual prowess is kind of one of the driving forces that results in them continuing to persist after women attempt to withdraw,” says benoit. “and then on the opposite side of the spectrum women feel like it’s their duty to fulfil their men’s sexual needs.
“they may feel like they’ll be negatively labelled as a tease, as a prude, different things like that if they attempt to withdraw. that ultimately may result in them continuing with a sexual encounter, even if they don’t want to.”
partners are responsible for checking in with each other
in the seminars she leads, khan says part of the conversation is learning to not just ask for consent, but also create an environment where the other partner feels comfortable declining. pausing after asking about preferences or asking if they like an action, for example, gives the other person a chance to consider how they really feel.
freezing or falling quiet can also be a response to feeling that something is wrong, another reason partners need to continuously check in with each other.
“it should be the responsibility of both partners within the sexual interaction to check in with one another throughout, to make that opportunity for someone to withdraw their consent,” says benoit. “it can be really hard to be like, hold up. i don’t want to do this anymore. can we stop?”
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on the other hand, says khan, having sexually explicit conversations are also generally frowned on, so young adults may not know how to express what they do want and direct the encounter to something they enjoy. learning to consider their sexuality and express it in a safe and respectful way is key.
“so many students don’t know how to flirt, they don’t know how to communicate what they want and desire,” says khan. “there’s a lot of shame when they do and there’s fear. the vulnerability comes up. when you say no, will they hurt me or not like me anymore?
“the vulnerability also comes up if i say something i want to do. they may not like me anymore.”
one in five women experienced sexual assault after agreeing to another form of sexual activity
the conversation isn’t as easy as telling students to just speak up. saying “no” can be met with coercion or anger, which, when someone is in a vulnerable position, can pressure them to continue.
according to data from the canadian centre for justice and community safety, of the women at canadian post-secondary schools who are survivors of sexual assault (a staggering one in ten), 19 per cent reported the assault took place after they had agreed to another form of sexual activity. for example, pressure to having penetrative sex, or agreeing to protected sex but then having their partner remove the condom part way through.
“they’re thinking that maybe they want to stop, or they don’t want to continue. but they’re feeling pressure, either emotional pressure or physical pressure that they have to comply,” says khan. “and that’s where compliance comes in, where we see young women — many genders, but specifically in women — agreeing to something under pressure because they feel they have no other choice.”
and consenting after coercion isn’t consent, according to the durham rape crisis centre.
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ongoing, in-depth education is needed in high schools and post-secondary institutions to make conversations about consent clear, says khan. there also needs to be a sense of responsibility for those with more physical or coercive power in the encounter to ensure their partner knows they can leave or say no at any time — and open the door to that conversation.
update 2022-09-08 – an update has been made to better express the function of possibility seeds.
emma jones is a multimedia editor with healthing. you can reach her at emjones@postmedia.com or on instagram and twitter @jonesyjourn.
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