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what it's like to have ocd amid the pandemic
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mental health issues can be daunting to deal with at the best of times. and these are clearly not the best of times.
covid-19 has infected over 52 million people worldwide and cut more than 1.3 million lives short during its slow march across the planet. the virus has also forced millions out of public spaces and into isolation, and in many cases, depriving them of access to medical and social support systems at a time when these things have never been more necessary.
with untold numbers silently suffering, researchers and healthcare professionals are sounding the alarm that a mental health crisis will not be far behind the pandemic. for many — especially those with poorly understood diagnoses — the struggles have already begun.
samantha bergeson, a freelancer living in new york, has been living with obsessive compulsive disorder most of her life. she was diagnosed with the condition at the age of 13 after realizing the symptoms she was experiencing were more serious than the various forms of anxiety everyone feels in one form or another.
ocd is a mental health condition that occurs when a person gets stuck in a cycle of unwanted thought patterns, according to the international ocd foundation. the disorder manifests in the form of obsessions — intrusive thoughts, images or urges — that prompt people to perform various compulsions in an attempt to decrease the distressing feelings. while many people suspect they have some degree of ocd, diagnosis is dependent on behaviour so extreme it interferes with a person’s life.
“to be honest, i’m not sure what my ‘type’ is clinically referred to as, but my ocd manifests itself in organization, or rather sometimes disorganization,” bergeson says. “it’s more about keeping things the same for fear of inconsistency or something ‘bad’ happening if a tangible object is moved or changed. after years of therapy, ocd doesn’t (or shouldn’t) be part of my day-to-day life, but after this year, it has become something i need to actively work on again.”
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mental health services have thankfully progressed from the early days of bergeson’s diagnosis — where her doctor presented her with a book called what’s wrong with my brain — but there are no easy fixes for disorders of the mind and, over time, bergeson learned how to best deal with her ocd. “i used to take medication,” she says. “it definitely helped, but medication doesn’t really do anything if you’re not willing to put in the work with a therapist and practice (cognitive behaviour therapy) or exposure therapy.
“my ways of coping are to listen to music when having the urge to engage in ocd behavior, read, and practice mindfulness like yoga and meditation.”
while covid-19 hasn’t made her condition worse per se, it has reminded bergeson that it is still with her — and not always very far from the surface. “the pandemic taught me that when in a stressful situation, i haven’t fully overcome ocd; it is just something dormant inside me that needs to be managed,” she says. “because of this, i didn’t necessarily anticipate my ocd becoming more constant. i did feel it creeping back into my psyche, though.”
the pandemic has made it clear, unfortunately, that the stigma surrounding mental illness is alive and well. “you have to ‘come out’ as having it, at least how i’ve experienced it,” bergeson says. “i think there is a larger cultural stigma around an array of disabilities, disorders or just mental health in general. to me, the literal phrase ocd has become so ingrained in society as a cutesy way of saying ‘organized’ or ‘anal.’ it’s not offensive to me, just ignorant.”
it also makes little sense to be flippant when it comes to one mental illness while being respectful of others. “i think a lot of people don’t realize ocd is heavily tied to anxiety and depression,” bergeson says. “people don’t tend to make fun of those with clinical depression or anxiety, so why do that to people with ocd, who most likely also have depression and anxiety?”
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the insensitivity likely stems from a lack of knowledge about mental health issues that only makes living with a diagnosis more difficult. “i’ve heard people say they believe ocd is about ‘hearing voices in your head,’” she says. “that is not it, either. ocd — and i can only really speak for myself and my own experience — has been more about wanting to find comfort in control and a sense of perfection, of ownership.
“it is rooted in desperation for something else that is missing, either as part of a family emotional support system or self-confidence or even spirituality. i don’t expect people to understand that, but it’s worth noting.”
it’s also worth noting that there is help out there for people who are silently suffering through concerning symptoms, even in a world turned upside down. “i think a diagnosis or seeking help starts with having a conversation with yourself,” she says. “why are you doing these rituals or patterns? what do you hope to gain from them? and can you live without doing them? it’s about finding the root cause, the root fear, and working outwards from there.”
the international ocd foundation has a published a list of helpful tips for people struggling with three common subtypes of the disorder: contamination fears, perfectionism and those with thoughts of harming others. the informative site is a good place to start for you or anyone you know in need of a helping hand.
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