as told to: 'my bipolar diagnosis made me feel broken'
it took 20 minutes on stage with dr. gabor maté to help yollanda zhang see that living with bipolar disorder was not a character flaw or a weakness.
7 minute read
yollanda zhang compares her experience with bipolar disorder to the japanese art of kintsugi, which repairs broken ceramics using gold. "it’s a metaphor for how we can heal and grow stronger after experiencing hardship," she says. getty
yollanda zhang is an entrepreneur, coach, speaker and mental health advocate who lives with a bipolar disorder. diagnosed in her early 20s, she was overwhelmed with fear, shame and uncertainty about how the mood disorder would impact her engineering career and her future. yollanda kept her diagnosis a secret for two decades out of fear that she would lose friends and professional opportunities, but now, she’s done hiding, and is determined to speak her truth and help others.
this is her story on finding her strength, her voice and her personal power through vulnerability and authenticity.
i was just 20 years old and in my first year of university, enrolled in one of canada’s best engineering programs. some days, my depressive moods made it impossible to get up for classes, but on other days, i felt so energetic that i could catch up on everything i had missed. i was living with roommates at the time, and during my wired moments, i would clean our apartment at 3 a.m. it was during this time that i realized i didn’t feel like myself and decided to call my parents, who were visiting china.
culturally, we were not very open about sharing our problems with others, and my parents advised me to “tough it out” and wait for their return. they assured me that when they came back, we would work together as a family to solve the problem. my roommates were concerned, and they asked questions, but my parents made it clear that i shouldn’t tell anyone. they suggested that if others knew, i could lose my friends and jeopardize any professional opportunities. so, i told my concerned friends that i was suffering from “debilitating migraines” that forced me to miss classes, and that the intense headaches were the reason for my energy levels and cleaning sprees.
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upon my parents’ return, they took me to a doctor who immediately prescribed antidepressants. unfortunately, it didn’t work, and i was prescribed another type of medication that only made things worse. i stayed under the radar with my inner circle, but my hypomanic episodes became progressively worse. at one point, i even bought ten pairs of designer jeans during a single shopping trip, which was very uncharacteristic of me.
‘overwhelmingly, i felt fear, shame, and doom’
that incident finally alerted my doctor, who sent me to the centre for addiction and mental health (camh) in toronto. it was there that i was assessed by an expert in bipolar disorders who advised me that the medication i was taking had pushed me over the edge into hypomania. i was put on mood stabilizers, and within a week or two, i was feeling better.
receiving a bipolar diagnosis brought forth some feelings of relief, but overwhelmingly, i felt fear, shame, and doom. prior to the diagnosis, i had a bright future ahead of me — i was consistently performing well academically, won all the top awards in high school, and even received an entrance scholarship for the best engineering program in canada.
but the bipolar disorder diagnosis made me feel like i was broken and no longer perfect.
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thankfully, the mood stabilizers worked so well that within just a few months, my symptoms disappeared completely. my doctor took me off the medication after two years, and i did really well for the next five years. however, my second bipolar episode occurred when my husband and i moved into a new home, and i was put back on mood stabilizers again. it took another year or so for me to feel well again. eventually, i was taken off the medication, but two years later, when we moved into our second home, i had a severe episode that included depression and constant suicidal ideation. this time, the same medication didn’t work at all. since 2009, i have been on 20 to 30 different types of medications — my doctor is still making adjustments.
over the years, mood stabilizers have been my rock. they’ve allowed me to build a solid foundation for my career, which has taken me on quite the journey. i started outworking for a fortune 500 company, where i was in health-care it sales, managed a large territory and had so much financial potential. but as time went on, i realized that i wanted more meaning out of my career.
‘i had to choose between breastfeeding and my mental health’
that’s when i made the bold decision to quit my job and go back to school to become a teacher. i ended up working in an inner-city school for many years, which i loved. but after i had my daughter in 2012, i wanted to spend as much time with her as possible, so my husband and i launched panda mandarin — a language school in midtown toronto. prior to the pandemic, we had six locations across the greater toronto area.
“i truly believe that what makes me “broken” is what makes me beautiful,” says yollanda zhang. photo credit: the late maggie ng
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it was after i had my daughter that fluctuating hormones led to yet another destabilization including my first-ever manic episode where i was hospitalized. i had severe postpartum depression and i couldn’t breastfeed more than five months because my depressive episodes were so severe that i had to choose between breastfeeding and my mental health.
growing up in a culture where you don’t talk openly about your problems, i never had an opportunity to process my childhood. at four months old, i was separated from my parents and i went to live with my grandparents. at age four, when i was reunited with my mother and father, i felt like i was being ripped away from the only family i knew.
six years ago, after my grandmother passed away, in her honour and as a way to process my grief, i launched girl. strong, a non-profit organization that aims to empower young girls in underserved communities. unfortunately, running the non-profit organization along with the mandarin school overwhelmed me and i ended up having another major depressive episode.
a year or so ago, i discovered the work of dr. gabor maté a canadian expert on trauma, addiction and childhood development. learning his story of how being separated from his mother during the holocaust left a lasting impact on him, really validated my own experience. i signed up for his full-year professional training on compassionate inquiry which is a therapeutic approach to processing trauma. last november, just a few months after my second hospitalization, i introduced him on stage at a global conference — i even had a one-on-one session with him in front of 350 attendees.
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in the 20 minutes he gave me, i realized that it’s not my fault that i live with a bipolar disorder, that it’s not a character flaw or a weakness. the session left me feeling like a giant elephant had jumped off my shoulders. the compassionate inquiry training as well as the support i receive from my husband have been instrumental in my recovery.
recently, i lost a dear friend and employee to suicide. in order to help raise awareness about mental health, i’ve been hosting weekly live chats around my own bipolar journey. through this forum, i realized that many people have questions about mental health and being on disability leave but many are not sure who to ask and need help navigating the system. my public persona is polished and strong, and i was uncomfortable to admit to others that i was on disability leave from my own company.
‘there’s a perception that because someone lives with bipolar disorder, their life is going to fall apart’
to this day, taking that break still carries quite a bit of guilt and shame for me. that’s why last month, i launched the courage circle, a support group where people living with bipolar disorder and their loved ones can share their experience and learn from each other. no one has to feel as alone as i had felt.
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recently, i shared a video on tiktok discussing the dangers of comparing people who have the same mental health condition. it’s a topic that’s very close to my heart because i’ve been there myself. you see, comparison is a losing game. it makes people feel bad about themselves. no one sees me on days when i can’t get out of bed or when i couldn’t bring myself to shower for days. they don’t see the kind of support and privileges i have to hold me up during those tough times. and the truth is, everyone is on their own unique journey.
that’s why i’m passionate about spreading the message that support and compassion can make a tremendous difference in a person’s recovery.
unfortunately, there is still a perception out there that just because someone lives with bipolar disorder, their life is going to fall apart. but that’s simply not true. my life is not in shambles, and i want to reduce that fear and shame, especially in young people who might be going through a similar experience.
when i think about my mental health condition, i think of the japanese art of kintsugi. it’s the practice of repairing broken ceramics using gold, and it’s a metaphor for how we can heal and grow stronger after experiencing hardship. instead of hiding the scars, kintsugi accentuates and celebrates the brokenness. sharing my journey with others has helped me process my own experience, and for the first time in a long time, i truly believe that what makes me “broken” is what makes me beautiful.
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yollanda zhang is an entrepreneur, coach, speaker, and mental health advocate. she will be a keynote speaker at the hong fook mental health foundation’s gala on june 17th. she can be reached at hello@yollandazhang.com, on instagram @business.doula, on tiktok @yollandazhang and linkedin.com. yollanda’s live weekly series can be found by clicking “lessons from my bipolar journey.
maja begovic is a toronto-based writer.
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