#askalyson: when a family member is in crisis, family counselling can be critical to getting help in a supportive way
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often the purpose of a suicide attempt is not so much about ending one’s life, but rather a communication of how dire one is feeling. getty
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content warning: this story contains references to suicide and suicidal ideation. if you are in need of support for yourself, a friend or a family member, the canadian suicide prevention service helpline offers help and can be reached at 1-833-456-4566 toll free or connect via text at 45645, from 4 p.m. to midnight et.
dear alyson,
my son is 16 years old, a very good student and athlete, happy with lots of friends. he attempted to take his life a couple of months ago. to say this shocked me and my wife is an understatement. we had absolutely no idea he was feeling so badly that ending his life seemed to be a good option. we keep looking for clues that we may have missed, while dealing with immense feelings of guilt that we didn’t see the signs and try to help him. thankfully, we were able to get him help and he says he is feeling better, but my wife and i can’t sleep and we can’t stop worrying that maybe he will try to end his life again — after all there were no clues the first time around. it has been a very difficult few months and frankly, we are struggling as parents.
signed, struggling parents
dear struggling parents,
thank you for sharing your story. often the purpose of a suicide attempt is not so much about ending one’s life, but rather a communication of how dire one is feeling. it’s a way of letting others know that they can’t take “this” anymore. it’s a crying out for help. you got the message and you got him help. that’s responsible and effective parenting. please don’t feel guilty.
a therapist can help a child learn other ways to solve problems
currently it seems, you still don’t know what the “this” is that your son found so unbearable. that can be scary and frustrating. but now he is in counselling. he has someone that can help him talk about what is going on in his life that is troubling him. a counsellor or therapist can help him develop insights and teach him other ways to solve his situation. hopefully the counsellor is someone your son really builds a bond with. if not, move along and find another.
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the counsellor will keep a close eye on his suicidal feelings. mental health professionals have an obligation to break confidentiality and inform if they think a client is going to cause harm to themselves or others. trust the counsellor’s assessment.
i personally believe that family counselling is the way to go, especially when there is a family member in crisis. the counsellor can keep confidentiality with the teen as well as help parents in a supportive way that helps address why the teen chose not to share his feelings and concerns with his parents in the first place.
i am so glad he is on the path forwards. he may still have this suicide attempt on his conscience, and that can stir up feelings of shame. help him to leave the past behind by assuring him it’s bygones and you don’t think any differently about him. it’s wildly reassuring to be trusted, even if you have to fake it ‘til you make it. if as parents we take all the proverbial knives out of the house every time we go to work, what signal are we sending?
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on social media @alysonschafer.
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