powered by:
save your skin foundation
#askalyson: my kid doesn't want me to talk to her teacher
3 minute read
it's important to keep parent/teacher meetings encouraging and motivating. getty
stay up to date on this topic
dear alyson,
my teenaged daughter gets upset whenever i express an interest in speaking to her teacher. i really only want to get an update on how she is doing — which is fair, no?
the best educational outcomes for children occur when home and school are working in an open, co-operative way. that means the student, parent and teacher are all aligned towards the same shared goals. good communication between all is essential, but too often there is confusion about roles, responsibilities and how involved a parent should be.
if your child expresses negativity towards you talking to their teacher, it begs the question: why?
could it be that you are micromanaging and overstepping? when parents constantly check in with their teacher, it sends a discouraging message to your child that you don’t trust them to manage on their own.
could it be that when you talk to their teacher, the child feels ganged up on? after all, it’s bad enough one adult in authority is on their backs about something — perhaps the child feels you are colluding together to make their life tough?
or maybe your daughter doesn’t feel good about herself. sometimes kids think that discussions between parents and teachers are all about their shortcomings — it can be painful to have these vulnerabilities exposed.
ask your child
those are just some common reasons kids have given me for not wanting their parents and teacher to connect, but maybe there is something else going on. talk to your child about their concerns — listen with an ear to finding out their feelings and perceptions. if they are not the talkative type, you could suggest some of the reasons above and see if they agree.
those are just some common reasons kids have given me for not wanting their parents and teacher to connect, but maybe there is something else going on. talk to your child about their concerns — listen with an ear to finding out their feelings and perceptions. if they are not the talkative type, you could suggest some of the reasons above and see if they agree.
of course, as much as you may want to smooth the process of parent/teacher communications, you’ll have to appeal to their common sense — like every parent, you too, have responsibilities that you can’t shirk. explain that you need to communicate with their teacher to do your job properly.
advertisement
tips for talking with a teacher
if there is a matter that you would like to discuss, it’s a good idea to request a meeting at a mutually convenient time for the student, parent and teacher, instead of trapping a teacher at the classroom door during pick-up time to ask questions. this respects the teacher’s time, but also ensures the conversation remains private and not in earshot of other parents and students.
if there is a matter that you would like to discuss, it’s a good idea to request a meeting at a mutually convenient time for the student, parent and teacher, instead of trapping a teacher at the classroom door during pick-up time to ask questions. this respects the teacher’s time, but also ensures the conversation remains private and not in earshot of other parents and students.
email is also an effective way to communicate with your child’s teacher. keep in mind that while most teachers appreciate a parent who is paying attention to their child’s education and who sends the occasional note — especially if it’s one of appreciation — if you are constantly checking in, you are also sending a vote of non-confidence to the teacher about their ability to do their job. if they need you to know something about your child’s behaviour or academic performance, trust them to reach out. sometimes our neurotic need to know or be involved is our own personal issue that we need to keep in check.
when you do speak with your child’s teacher — particularly if your child is with you — be mindful of the way you communicate. encouraging and motivating is always better than critical or disparaging. most kids enjoy hearing their parent offer up some humble brag. talk about their strengths as well as growth opportunities.
end the meeting with when to follow up again. if there is a behaviour issue in the classroom, you might be meeting every two weeks. if it’s an academic challenge, you might meet again just before the unit being taught is completed. follow the teacher’s lead on appropriate timing.
you might find that with more positive interactions, your daughter may become more comfortable with these necessary parent/teacher connections.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on twitter @alysonschafer.
share story
