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#askalyson: my spouse and i differ over covid rules
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how to navigate covid distancing rules when you and your partner don't agree about what your kid can do.
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dear alyson,
my partner tends to be more strict when it comes to observing lockdown rules. he thinks our 13-year-old should stay inside as much as possible, but i am worried about mental health. while i don’t want him hanging out in a group, i’m ok with him riding his bike with his friends, as long as he wears a mask. it’s been months of debate and we are both exhausted.
signed, tired of arguing
dear tired of arguing,
it is always difficult when parents disagree about any aspect of parenting. each person loves their child and wants to do what they think is best for them. if they didn’t care, they would say, “okay, whatever, have it your way.” instead, we care so much that we get into some of our worst arguments.
take a moment to appreciate the common goal you have. at least you both agree that raising your children properly and keeping them safe is really important. also, remember the words of the famous poet rumi:
“out beyond ideas of wrongdoing, and rightdoing, there is a field. i will meet you there.”
get beyond the competitive stance of right and wrong. instead, do what rumi reminds us to do; put relationships first when having difficult conversations that are polarized. when you work through issues in this frame of mind, you’ll discover more about one another and what each person requires to get their needs met in the relationship. that will lead to more closeness and intimacy in the long run.
remember too, that the human subjective, psychological feeling of safety (as we’re experiencing in this pandemic), is not quelled by science. anxious people are not soothed by data. they need their fears comforted emotionally, not numerically. the more you listen and empathize with their worries, the more those worries go down. but also discuss what your experiencing and the concerns you have about what your observing in your child’s behaviour that makes you worried about his mental health and need for seeing friends. now it is your turn to be soothed by your partner as they see you are suffering with your thoughts too.
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is there an alternative solution that is less either/or? “either he stays inside or he bike rides with friends” is fairly rigid. could you both find some different solutions to satisfy both the need for socializing with a parental need for a feeling of safety? maybe the bike ride feels too unsupervised. how about a backyard visit with a buddy where the concerned parent can watch and observe to ensure they are safely distanced by their own standards? perhaps your partner could work up to permitting a bike ride as feelings of confidence and reassurance that your child will take the right precautions safety grow.
you can also discuss your dilemma with your doctor, who would know the family’s health history, both in terms of pre-existing conditions and also assessing how the child is coping with the stress of the pandemic. they may not be struggling as much as you assumed. or they could be doing worse and just internalizing their symptoms. if you trust that outside third party, maybe they could be persuasive and help both of you come to a compromise that works not only for you, but also for your child.
the important things is that you feel that the couple ship is working through these different perspectives together and in a loving way. be kind. be patient. listen deeply. trust you can figure it out in everyone’s best interests. that’s love – that’s family.
alyson schafer is one of canada’s leading parenting experts. she can be reached at hello@alysonschafer.com or on twitter @alysonschafer.
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