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what it feels like: 'you lose control, and you lose perspective' with anxiety disorder
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mariana osuna's journey through anxiety disorder is made a little bit easier with her dog mona, a designated service animal, by her side.
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mariana osuna was always a bit nervous as a child, but it wasn’t until she hit her teens that she realized that her nerves might have a different name: anxiety.
growing up in mexico, osuna had a “pretty standard upper-middle class” childhood. while anxiety and depression run in her family, osuna had no idea just how prevalent hers would become until much later in life.
“i started struggling with anxiety and panic attacks without even knowing what they were,” osuna said. before a trip to the er with symptoms resembling a heart attack, she recalls feelings as though a switch was turned on within her. “you can’t control it. my heart was beating fast. i was sweating, shallow breathing, and my chest was so tight. that’s what freaked me out.”
osuna was used to putting some stress on her heart, as she trained and exercised extensively with high-intensity activities, such as karate. but this was different, and even though she could feel that something was wrong, it wasn’t until she was given a panic attack diagnosis that she understood the gravity of the situation.
she wasn’t having a heart attack at all. but that didn’t stop her from feeling as though her life may be cut far too short. unfortunately, for the millions of people who struggle with anxiety disorders, that is their painful reality.
what is anxiety?
anxiety is an umbrella term used to describe a set of mood disorders that encompass feelings of fear, dread, or as if something horrible is about to happen. these feelings grow so strong that it’s impossible to ignore them and even more challenging to perform daily tasks.
most people have experienced some form of anxiety in their lives, as it’s a natural response in the body designed to keep you safe from viable threats. still, when someone has anxiety, there is no threat, and those feelings grow stronger even in the absence of danger.
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there are several types of anxiety disorders, including:
- generalized anxiety disorder (gad): a persistent feeling of anxiety that hinders someone’s ability to live their lives.
- panic disorder: a continuous onslaught of panic attacks.
- social anxiety disorder: an intense fear of being judged by other people and avoiding social situations.
- phobia-related disorders: a set of disorders in which a person has an intense fear of something specific, such as flying, insects, or blood.
osuna has dealt with more than one type of anxiety disorder. she contends with general anxiety, panic disorder, and the phobia-related disorder agoraphobia, which involves being unable to leave her home alone. the combination of all three types has left mariana well-versed in what it’s like to struggle with anxiety and the feelings and symptoms that develop because of it.
“it’s like you’re underwater, and you can’t breathe, but at the same time, you have so much energy inside of you that you don’t know what to do with it,” she explained. “you want to rip off your own skin because you can’t contain all your energy. you lose control, and you lose perspective.”
the perils of living with anxiety
while osuna has spent the better part of her adult years coping and dealing with her anxiety, it’s not always easy to combat. after her first attack, she spent a lot of time with doctors, getting tests done, and trying to figure out what medication would work for her. and for a little while, it gave her relief. she went years without experiencing any panic attacks until her late 20s hit, and it was like déjà vu all over again.
“i didn’t have any panic attacks until i was in my late 20s and early 30s, and that time was really bad. i was living in canada and ended up in the er. this time, i thought i had a stroke,” she said. “you convince yourself something is really wrong with you, and after that, i was having them several times a day for months and months and had to go without treatment because i wasn’t a citizen or resident yet.”
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as a senior video producer, creating film and art has always been osuna’s passion. she worked hard on her craft until she saw the fruits of all that labour finally pay off when the cannes international film festival in europe selected one of her short films. an accolade of such high regard should have been a highlight of her life, but because of her panic disorder, it’s now a bittersweet memory that she tends to keep to herself.
“i missed all the screenings and all the activities—everything i worked so hard for. i was locked up in the hotel in cannes because the anxiety and panic were so bad. i was self-medicating at the time,” she recalled. “it’s bittersweet for me because it was awesome to make it that far, but it’s just a reminder of how unwell i was. i ended up catching an early flight home because i couldn’t do it anymore. i was feeling really broken.”
cycling through anxiety and remission
once osuna reached her early 40s, it seemed like things were turning around. she was on medication that helped calm her panic attacks, and she finally felt the “normal” anxiety that most people experience on a day-to-day basis during times of stress. she was no longer fighting an uphill battle but flourishing as a panic disorder survivor.
“i didn’t have panic attacks for years. even all through the pandemic, i had like normal anxiety but not to that extent.” she recalls feeling so good that she thought her medication was no longer necessary. she had beaten it. she had finally won. unfortunately, the tables can turn just as quickly toward regression as they can toward progression.
“i went off my medication almost two years ago, and that was a terrible idea for me. getting off the meds, plus stress with work and relationships—i had a really bad relapse with panic disorder. it was the worst i’ve been. i was crippled by it and housebound for almost four months.”
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while she coped with these new changes, osuna had to rely on others to help her get through the day and fight back against her symptoms.
“my partner had to help me leave the house just to go to the grocery store or just around the block. i couldn’t be left alone because i was afraid. without her help, i don’t know how things would have turned out, to be honest.”
the symptoms of panic disorder and agoraphobia took total control of osuna’s life, and while she contended with those, she also had to add some more new worries to the mix.
“i was afraid i was going to lose my job. in this industry, if you can’t do your job, they’ll replace you.” she was lucky enough to work with people who understood anxiety, its challenges, and just how important it is to take care of the work-family you cultivate.
“they were very understanding, and i was very honest, so i didn’t lose my job. they had either gone through something, a mental health condition, as well, so they gave me every accommodation needed to keep my job when i was figuring out how to take care of myself.”
arming yourself against anxiety
osuna spent the better part of the last two years struggling with her anxiety, fighting back against it any way she knew how, and learning how to live again in a post-panic state.
“what really helped me was finding a good psychiatrist. those are hard to come by,” she said. “i also learned that in my particular case, i do need to be on medication, and i do feel so much better when i am. it’s night and day.”
osuna also looked at her lifestyle and decided it was time to take the reins on the things she could actually control.
“i stopped drinking coffee. i am eating less sugar. i went back to karate a few months ago, and that has helped me stay grounded. i work with a therapist to do all the behavioural stuff. i was working with an occupational therapist. i never knew ots would work with people with mental health issues. she was one of the people that really helped me get out of my house. she would help me go for walks and then slowly going to other places. i had no idea that resource was available. meditation has been really helpful.”
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the way osuna tackled her healing journey was to embrace every single aspect of managing her anxiety proactively. she had a good team of medical professionals on her side, medications that helped calm her feelings of panic and a strong support system at home from her partner and her canine companion, mona. “my mona [her dog] got her service vest, and that really helped me get out on my own.”
“with the right resources, self-care, and a lot of discipline, i can live with this and manage it. at the end of the day, it’s just managing it like any other condition,” she asserted.
focusing on one day at a time with anxiety
experiencing anxiety can feel like a horrific curse with no escape. but when you reach a certain point of health, where those feelings no longer exist as they used to, it can show just how far you’ve come.
“now it all feels like a nightmare has passed. i know i’m an anxious, depressive person, but i know there are tools that you accumulate as you grow and experience these things. just keep getting more tools in your tool kit and learning more things, and try not to give up. just take it one day at a time,” osuna said.
it’s also important to note that people with anxiety heal differently, but one thing remains the same: small victories are victories. “be proud and celebrate the small achievements,” mariana said. “this year, one of my biggest accomplishments was to get a rotisserie chicken at the grocery store around the corner. i wasn’t able to do that for months. i was crying. the tiny steps and little victories are so important.”
anxiety is a lifelong burden that affects more than 3.4 million canadians over the age of 12. for osuna, knowing that she will never fully cure herself of her panic disorder is scary, but it helps keep her striving toward solutions and tools she can use to combat the feelings of panic or anxiousness that may plague her once again.
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“i know that maybe one day i’ll have another breakdown, and that scares me. but at least i know that there’s always someone willing to listen to you and help you,” she said. “if sharing my experience helps someone else feel a little less alone, then i’m happy.”
she advises people with the same fate to “remember to be very patient with yourself.”
“one of the biggest lessons this year for me is self-compassion. people with anxiety are very hard on themselves,” she said. “self-compassion and accepting that sometimes we need help—that’s important. it’s just my experience. you can do it alone, but it’s easier when you share it with other people.”
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