the losses were so, so, so, many. and i literally had to build myself back one cell at a time, and find out again who i was in the midst of all this.
it took me a while to get to that place of acceptance — you know, yes, this is my lot. and rather than waste energy on what i cannot control, i can move to radical acceptance, and then it was like, okay, we’ve got this now.
it sounds like you’re describing the stages of grief.
it’s very much the same. it’s interesting, because i’m an hr practitioner by profession. so with my family, what i did is i sat them down, and i walked them through the stages of grief. and we had a really wonderful conversation, because each one of them were at different stages.
the whole idea was: we can’t live in depression, we cannot live in anger, we need to move toward acceptance. i thinkt that language really helped, because it enabled us to kind of talk through it.
did you think that you were going to die at any point during your experience?
i have often been scared. the reality is that i am living on borrowed time.
but i’ve been really fortunate that i’ve been able to live for eight years with with the myeloma. it will rear its ugly head again, because there is no cure. the difference, though, is the death no longer scares me.
every day that i’m alive, is a day to be lived fully. i’ve come to accept that this will happen when it does, but i’m certainly not waiting for it. i am living in this moment, every day, without, worrying about regrets and without worrying about what might happen in the future. and i think i’ve really found this beautiful space in this moment, in the present, that’s enabling me to be unbelievably joyful.
cancer has really been a gift for me. you know, it’s enabled me to think about what’s really important to me. where do i want to spend my time and what do i want my legacy to be here? and what is my purpose? you know, i don’t really like to say this aloud too often, but for me, it is a gift that keeps on giving. i’m no longer walking through life like a zombie. every step i take is intentional.