the festive season isn’t merry and bright for everyone
lisa machado's journey with chronic cancer during the holiday season and the importance of open dialogue around illness and loss
4 minute read
this story is sponsored by
gsk canada
this story was created by content works, postmedia’s commercial content division, on behalf of a client.
for some people, festive music, sparkling lights and cozy commercials portraying smiling families gathered around a holiday table can bring on dread, sadness and grief.
just ask lisa machado, a toronto-based cancer patient, caregiver and healthcare advocate. “i find the holidays can be a very sad and emotional time.”
she was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer in september 2008, when her children were just one and three. a few years later, she and her mother jointly cared for machado’s father during the extended period he lived with dementia. he died six years ago. two years after that, machado lost her brother to liver cancer.
“i don’t think we do a good job of talking about what the holidays feel like for patients and caregivers,” machado says, adding that family dinners and merry music can exacerbate difficult emotions like anxiety, fear, sadness and grief. “when you are facing a difficult diagnosis, or when you care about someone who is, there is a deep sense of loss, whether that be around losing your health or losing the life you had hoped to have.”
in addition to bringing up difficult emotions, holiday celebrations can feel like another stressful obligation amid the day-to-day challenges of living with an illness like cancer. organizing family dinners and buying gifts can not only add further strain to budgets already burdened by out-of-pocket medical expenses, but there is also an energy cost for patients and caregivers who are already fatigued and overwhelmed.
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unfortunately, family members and friends are often either unaware of what the person is going through or, don’t know how to have those conversations to check in, machado says.
“patients can feel pressure to fake happiness and holiday cheer so that they don’t bring others down or find it easier to isolate themselves.” machado knows these feelings well. in the years following her diagnosis, the holidays were difficult as she struggled with conflicting emotions. “i loved celebrating with my kids, but it was also a deep reminder of all i stood to lose if i didn’t survive.”
while machado’s cancer is currently well managed, “when you live with a serious illness—or even if you’ve been through a diagnosis and you’re now in remission—you can still struggle with a lot of uncertainty about the future,” she says.
holidays are also a time when those who are closest to you feel so far away, especially if your cancer is under control. “as soon as the crisis has passed, things go back to normal for everyone around you, and they forget that the person dealing with the illness may still be struggling,” she says.
caregivers face similar challenges during the holidays. as friends and family celebrate, feelings of loneliness, exhaustion and financial strain can become overwhelming—some caregivers may forgo celebrations because respite cancer care isn’t available and they are uncomfortable asking for help, or simply choose to opt out because the emotional burden is too much. those who’ve lost a loved one can also feel the burden of difficult emotions as the holiday season can highlight that person’s absence.
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“there’s that empty chair at the table, which is really hard,” says machado. “just acknowledging that those feelings are normal can make it a little easier to cope, but as humans, we don’t do a good job of being kind to ourselves.”
there are some ways to mitigate the pressures of the holiday season though. machado says that we should feel ok about giving ourselves permission to skip events when we are not feeling up to participating. one year, her and her mom ducked out of a family dinner and went to the movies instead. and while gratitude journals have been all the rage, she cautions that writing out all that you are grateful for to feel happier can have the opposite effect, reminding you of all that you could lose or have already lost.
spending some time with people who share your experience can also help. “find your community,” machado urges. “patient and caregiver groups are safe spaces where you can talk about your feelings and worries with people who share your experience, and maybe hear advice and strategies on how to cope.”
if you suspect someone in your life is struggling with the holidays, consider letting them know that you are there for whatever they need. instead of asking what you can do, because asking for help is hard, tell them what you are going to do. for example, instead of asking them if they want company at the next doctor’s appointment, tell them that you would like to join them; instead of asking them if you can cook dinner for them, drop a meal off; and instead of asking them if they want to go out for coffee, bring coffee to them and offer to stay and chat if they want you to.
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and never underestimate the impact of small acts of kindness. the year after machado’s dad died, a neighbor sent a note saying, “i know you’re missing someone and i’m thinking of you.” she says she was blown away by that gesture.
if you’re struggling this holiday season, help is available. for caregivers and those living with cancer, there are great resources available such as the canadian cancer society, and patient support groups in your area.
this story was created by healthing content works, healthing.ca’s commercial content division, on behalf of gsk canada.
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