machado: the most wonderful time of the year is the worst for many
while you may have been doing a relatively standup job of treading the waters of grief, sadness and loneliness all year, if the carols, shiny bulbs and holiday sales are tugging at your ankles, you're not alone.
6 minute read
at the root of holiday emotional upheaval is the fact that things haven't turned out the way you had hoped, and that stinks. getty
“i can’t pull the sword from the stone,” a longtime friend hollered across two grocery aisles. she was waving a bag of marshmallows and a giant box of rice krispies. just minutes earlier, our carts had collided in front of shelves full of bags of flour — white, whole wheat and almond — cans of pumpkin and plastic tubs of icing. she was tired, she said, complaining that people kept asking her if she was ready.
“ready for what, exactlyyyyyyy,” she moaned, dragging out the second syllable until it became a whine. with 22 assorted family members expected to land at her place on christmas eve, a mother-in-law who insisted on homemade trifle (with sherry, please), and a recent leaky roof that just about obliterated all her savings — and gift money — she was in the midst of figuring out how to make the most out of doing the least. she had also lost her mother a few years ago, a gaping absence still felt at the dinner table, especially at christmas.
and it wasn’t that she was a holiday-hater, she said. she just wished it was a little easier, that there were fewer obligations, and well, that she didn’t feel so sad.
certainly, there are a lot of reasons not to love the holidays. apparently, according to a recent survey, if you live in idaho, you hate christmas ham, while fruitcake is a loser in south dakota, and it seems that mariah carey’s “all i want for christmas is you” incites a special brand of disdain no matter where you are in the world.
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there are other things too, the stuff that everyone makes jokes about (while loudly crying inside) and puts up with for the sake of familial harmony (because, well, isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?): annoying in-laws, the smelly uncle who couldn’t be more politically incorrect, decades-old family drama and gift-giving that drains your bank account. it really sounds awful when it’s all put together like that, doesn’t it? and when you consider that holiday-related stress and tension has been linked to heart attacks, back to my friend’s sherry-loving mother-in-law, it kind of begs the question, why on earth do we do this to ourselves year after year?
i am on team not-a-holiday-fan
i have to admit, i am on team not-a-holiday-fan, right along with celebrities lady gaga, rod stewart and colin firth, by the way. i find it sad and overwhelming and fraught with anxiety and painful reminders of special peeps who are no longer with me. it’s not really about unsavoury relatives or bad food, though my family certainly has had its moments over the years. it’s more about the sneaky way christmas, unlike any other holiday (maybe thanksgiving is a close second), has of making everything that you are worried about, scared of, grieving, disappointed in, and/or missing, feel so much more right-in-your-face, overwhelming and, oh so stressful.
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and i’m not the only one. a poll by the american psychological association found that 89 per cent are feeling increased levels of stress this holiday season, with 43 per cent reporting that holiday stress interferes with their ability to enjoy them.
the experts say that part of what makes this time of year so damn difficult is the societal programming that comes with it. we are bombarded with images of happy families, massive get-togethers and warm, crowded “friendmases,” made to feel less-than in the procurement of family harmony and social connection — because you know, it’s the most wonderful time of year. and if you’re not feeling all warm and fuzzy, you’re doing something wrong. (by the way, did you know that one quarter of the world is suffering from loneliness?)
‘compare and despair’
there’s also that thing we do, scrolling through reams of happy social media posts and lamenting about how everyone is happier, more successful, more fit, more [insert your choice of perceived shortcoming] than us — “compare and despair” is what gina moffa, a grief expert and author calls it. and if you take a quick look at the research behind the holiday blues, the top three stressors around this time of year tends to be not having enough money, finding the right gifts for the ones we care about and missing loved ones.
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i see the stress in my friends and neighbours as they try to navigate their own specific brand of madness that’s currently taking up space in their brain and still show up for the holidays for their families. i also see it in colleagues who are burned out, frustrated and want to take a break, but don’t know how. and it’s there again at the cancer centre where i go for checkups — people who are sick and tired, vulnerable and scared, not feeling very jolly as they face breathtaking uncertainty.
there’s something else that darkens the bright of this time of year, and it’s huge, far-reaching and insidious: grief. and not necessarily the death-related kind, though if you’ve lost someone you love, the holidays can make it especially difficult to feel anything even close to peace, joy and happiness, especially if you are stuck in that dark place where you can’t remember and you can’t forget. there are also other kinds of loss that can feel just as cutting, such as longing for something that you once had (an old love) or that you wish for (more money). whether it’s around a person or a state of being, this kind of pointless wanting can be soul-crushing.
if you are dealing with illness, you may be grieving the loss of what your life was like before you got sick, the loss of faith in your body to be strong and well and maybe even the confidence you once had in your immortality. if you are doing the very challenging job of caregiving, there may be grief and sadness around the struggles the person you are caring for is going through, or in the realization that you are in a life-changing role that you never signed up for.
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of course, at the root of all of this emotional upheaval is the fact that if things haven’t turned out the way you had hoped, it makes it hard to ho-ho-ho-it-up, and that stinks. and while you may have been doing a relatively standup job of treading these waters all year, if the carols, shiny bulbs and holiday sales are tugging at your ankles, you’re not alone.
certainly, there’s no shortage of tips on how to survive the holiday season — a recent online search turned up more than 63 million, in fact. what the heck. the advice that abounds is not surprising: ask for help when you need it, exercise, go outside and get fresh air, go easy on food and alcohol, say no more often, and be kind to yourself, to name just a few. in other words, take care of yourself so you can be in as good a mental and physical state as possible to deflect the potentially mind-blowing amount of sadness, longing, stress and crud that’s about to come at you.
more importantly, though, know that if you’re having a hard time this holiday season, you’re not alone.
thank you for reading, and for your letters and support this year. wishing you an amazing 2024.
lisa machado is the executive producer of advocacy & better health. she can be reached at lmachado@postmedia.com.
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