powered by:
save your skin foundation
'i’ve been healed from the inside out': tanya bender shares how cbt changed her relationship with food
6 minute read
'i will not allow those food choices to control my thoughts any longer,' says tanya bender. supplied
stay up to date on this topic
a little bit about my journey, i’m sure it seems very familiar to anyone struggling with the extra weight they are carrying, both physically and mentally. i have felt overweight, pudgy and chubby since i can remember, even when i wasn’t. my earliest recollection of feeling that way is probably as early as nine or 10 years old.
looking back on pictures of when i was significantly smaller — i was at my largest (317 lb.) in september, 2020 — i may have been only 190 lbs, but i felt bigger. i look back on that girl and it hurts my heart because if i knew then what i know now, i never would have ended up at 317 lbs.
from my early teens on, food was my comfort, my de-stressor. i was consumed and overwhelmed with constant thoughts of weight and food, and i was uncomfortable in any clothing that wasn’t pyjamas. i’ve lost weight off and on for more than 30 years, only to always put it back on, plus more. i lived by a mentality of “all or nothing” — i was either ‘all in’ eating whole healthy foods, or i was ‘all out,’ not watching what i ate and overindulging. as i started to accept the fact that i was obese and became more focused on educating myself about obesity, it allowed me to see that i’m not alone in the way i looked — and dealt — with things. we all share very common pathways on our road within obesity.
in the summer of 2020, my stepfather went through a health issue that led to him being referred to the high metabolic clinic to lose significant weight. that day has not only changed his life, but my life, as well as my mothers’ — all of us were obese.
i remember thinking in the late summer of 2020, ‘that’s it!’ i needed to give in to the fact that the only option i had was to have gastric bypass surgery. i’ve always known in that surgery wasn’t the complete answer. i just knew that if i didn’t change my mental perspective, i would eventually gain back the weight after gastric bypass, but i really felt it was my last resort. i had every reason health-wise to lose weight, but those reasons weren’t enough to stop me from continuing to make unhealthy choices.
advertisement
as i watched the success of my stepfather and mother, i realized i had to reach out to the clinic myself — everyone’s weight journey (although similar) is different, and i needed to own my obesity outside of theirs.
that day has changed my life. fourteen months later, i’m such a different person.
i’m happy to say i didn’t need to have gastric bypass surgery — don’t get me wrong, there is a need for this surgery, and many have been successful with it. i just felt strongly that it wasn’t for me.
without a doubt, the cognitive behaviour strategies i have learned have been the ‘it’ factor for my forever success in weight management. identifying trigger foods and underlying addiction tendencies, as well as understanding restraint versus restriction and that not everyone can manage all kinds of foods in moderation has been a game-changer. there really is so much more self-discovery that has taken place, but we don’t have enough time to dig into everything.
i have finally found freedom. i have lost 80 lbs to date, but thanks to the guidance of the high metabolic clinic, i have gained so much more than what i have lost. i wish i could have a before and after picture of my brain because that is the change that needs to be celebrated.
how do these changes help me manage the holidays?
well, in the last 14 months it has become clear to me that one of the ways i slip into the abyss of overeating is overindulging — particularly during holidays. i would say christmas, easter and thanksgiving are the most difficult. food plays a huge importance during these events— it’s plastered all over social media. plus, every family has a signature comfort dish that is anticipated and there is no shortage of sweet treats.
aside from the typical access to overly-processed junk food, the holidays can also bring on outside pressure and stresses you aren’t normally faced with. family expectations, people-pleasing, financial worries and other non-food-related triggers can drive you to seek out food for comfort and/or pleasure. these holidays were also the time when it was “acceptable” to overeat and overindulge because everyone (well, mostly everyone) does it. it was my time to feel normal because i was given permission to overeat and overindulge without any guilt because everyone else was doing the same.
advertisement
i now realize how derailing this thought process was, but, at the time, i didn’t know that i was doing it. i chalked it up to lack of willpower — ‘i should have more control, i can’t do this, what is wrong with me, if only i was more determined’ — does this sound familiar?
there are many people out there who can overindulge and it does not become a slippery slope. many of those people are not obese. and since there are many people who can overindulge in moderation, it [seems] acceptable to overindulge during the holidays. makes sense, right? i thought that everyone experienced urges and cravings the way i did, but the difference was i couldn’t control them, whereas they could. one of my biggest “aha!” moments was learning that those people weren’t like me at all, and that they had no idea what it feels like to have the internal struggle with food, or the relentless brain banter [about food]. learning that was eye-opening and freeing — it started to chip away at the guilt and shame i felt about myself.
at this time last year i was about one month into working with the high metabolic clinic and i was very concerned about my control — or lack of control — over christmas. i thought i would be able to manage one day of overindulgence, but i wasn’t able to control myself — one day [of overindulgence] became 11 days. but it was such a win. what would have been upwards of six months [of overindulgence] in the past was whittled down to 11 days! and while i did recognize the win, it wasn’t like i recognize it now. after all, i was still early in my work on behavioural and thought changes.
this year, my personal goal is zero days [of overindulgence]. i’ve learned that i don’t like the aftermath of what choosing processed high-sugar foods does to me. it triggers all of my cravings and urges, and creates a brain banter for the next 24 to 36 hours that is very uncomfortable. i’m resisting the cravings…it’s like a withdrawal of sorts — it’s really that intense.
advertisement
i am in control
i control my thoughts and behaviours and i will not allow those food choices to control my thoughts any longer. they have no place in my life anymore. i deserve better and now i’m armed with the education and the tools to finally help myself.
it doesn’t mean it won’t be somewhat difficult, but as with anything, the more time that passes, and the more i practice the same thing repeatedly, it becomes easier. i know without a doubt this year will be even better than last year. i’m 98 per cent excited and two per cent fearful— that ‘old self’ is still hanging in the wings a bit and i chip away at the fear with every victory that takes place.
nothing worth achieving ever comes easy, but the hard is so worth the effort when you know — and you believe — it is life-changing and sustainable.
this holiday, i will focus on the people, conversation, games, love, and laughter because that is what christmas is about. i’m flipping the script for myself one day, one event and one holiday at a time.
obesity matters is a not-for-profit committed to promoting game-changing dialogue, ending fat-shaming, and inspiring health and happiness. it was started by patient advocates who have gone through weight struggles and now want to share personal feelings, experiences, coping strategies and empower the community to advocate for better healthcare for themselves and their loved ones. to read more stories about obesity, or to get in touch with obesity matters, click here.
share story
