new hobby not helping empty nester syndrome? try giving back, say experts
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volunteering for causes we care about is linked with greater life satisfaction and well-being. getty
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as we move into a (somewhat) post-covid world and students leave for post-secondary school and in-person jobs, many parents may become empty nesters for the first time in decades. while there are many tricks and pieces of advice online, experts say that volunteering or giving back may be the key to successfully managing the transition.
parents experiencing their children moving out are more likely to experience depressive symptoms and loneliness and report lower life satisfaction, according to a 2018 literature review. the standard advice for weathering the transition to being a parent of adult children includes picking up hobbies, learning a new skill or position at work and travelling to new places — generally reframing the experience as an opportunity for parents to reinvest time in themselves that they didn’t have before.
but while this is valuable advice, it may not completely bridge the gap for a lot of parents, says dr. edward ng, a registered psychologist based in b.c. a major part of parenting is helping someone else, which may have become a key part of a parent’s identity after 18 or more years of effort.
“one thing to think about is: parenting is a lot of service. a lot of doing stuff for somebody else,” says ng. “i remember when i became a dad, just feeling wrenched out of my selfishness all of a sudden. and now i can’t imagine my life without it.
“so when you have that kind of formation over time, where you’re just serving your children the entire time, maybe something [helpful] would be to actually find things of service.”
empty nesters may find happiness through ‘prosocial’ behaviour
a substantial body of work backs up this idea, explains lara aknin, associate professor and director of the helping and happiness lab at simon fraser university. volunteering, charity work, donating time or money to causes we care about — generally referred to as prosocial behaviour — are all linked with greater life satisfaction and well-being.
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“these findings have been widely demonstrated in lots of different cultural contexts and lots of different places. in fact, it seems to be a pretty robust phenomenon,” says aknin. “we see that helping others — whether it be volunteering, whether it be helping a neighbour, or whether it be donating — these kind of amalgamated forms of pro-sociality are very strongly linked with life satisfaction and greater well-being.”
positive emotions can come from many types of charitable acts, according to a review by aknin and her colleague ashley whillans. donating money or goods, food sharing, giving advice and donating blood are all connected to this phenomenon.
a caveat to pro-social behaviour is finding a position or donation that the person is drawn to — something they’re interested in, where they can see the benefits of their labour or donation, says aknin. if it feels forced or required, many of the benefits can evaporate. but understanding this can lead to one of the other benefits of volunteering — the ability to set clear boundaries.
“the great thing is that once they’re not your children, you’re serving others, there is a natural boundary with that,” says ng. “and you’re able to [balance] how much you actually can serve other people without burning out.”
volunteering also creates social connections
another aspect of volunteering that can increase happiness is the personal connections formed between fellow volunteers, says aknin. cultivating relationships — and being social in general — has also been linked to help with anxiety and depression, and has cognitive benefits later in life.
for this benefit, of course, there has to be opportunities to connect with other volunteers. ultra-busy, metrics-oriented organizations or remote positions may not provide the same opportunities for connection as positions that recognize the social benefit for volunteers. finding people who mesh well together is also key.
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another important aspect of developing social connections through giving back is it may increase the likelihood we will ask for and accept help, says gillian mandich, founder of the international happiness institute of health science research. this can be especially important later on in life.
“when we do nice things for other people, it gives us an opportunity to allow someone to do something nice for us,” says mandich. “it can be a good reminder to us when we need help … especially for people that have a hard time receiving, that can be a sort of happy byproduct of the act as well.”
moving into this next phase of life is difficult, but brings a host of opportunities, the experts all agreed. some can be found through introversion and self care, while others can be experienced by forming deeper connections with the community.
“when people are experiencing these important changes in their lives, there’s the transition stressors, we often advise them to focus inward on themselves and take care of themselves,” says aknin. “i don’t think that’s problematic. in fact, there’s lots of evidence suggesting it’s helpful. but what i also think is this process of looking outside themselves, they might find some enjoyment and meaning and purpose there as well.”
emma jones is a multimedia editor with healthing. you can reach her at emjones@postmedia.com or on instagram and twitter @jonesyjourn.
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