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what is it like for a parent whose child is struggling?
3 minute read
seeing your child go through emotional challenges initiates a profound self-reflection. the journey involves questioning your abilities as a parent and as a human being.
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the following passage is from “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide: a father’s guide to dealing with teenage depression & anxiety”, a mental health and parenting memoir from advocate chris coulter.
this section, titled “what is it like for a parent whose child is struggling?” examines the emotional turmoil parents endure while supporting a child in crisis.
chris coulter, a passionate mental health advocate, turned his personal tragedy into a mission after losing his daughter, maddie, to suicide in 2015. he has spoken at numerous conferences and worked with the non-profit how are you feeling, focusing on helping children understand and manage their emotions. through his story, we hope to shed light on the importance of mental health and emotional well-being.
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parenting through the tumultuous teenage years is challenging in itself, and when mental health issues enter the picture, it becomes a battlefield for emotional, marital, and physical well-being. the impact extends beyond the struggling child, affecting parents’ mental health, marriages, work, and physical health. many find themselves in uncharted territory, seeking therapy to cope with the constant worry and isolation that accompanies the journey of supporting a child in crisis.
our experience with maddie exposed me to the harsh realities of parenting a child facing mental health challenges. the strain on my emotional well-being was profound, accompanied by a whirlwind of emotions that unfolded in stages.
the emotional whirlwind
after maddie’s first suicide attempt, a storm of shock, disbelief, guilt, and self-doubt engulfed me. the emotional journey as a parent dealing with a child in crisis unfolded like heart-wrenching chapters.
acknowledging your struggles
one critical realization emerged—dealing with a suffering child is impossible when you’re mentally or physically ill-equipped to handle life yourself. seeking emotional support from therapists, friends, coaches, mentors, or spiritual leaders is crucial. without this support, you’ll be ill-prepared to navigate the challenging road ahead with your child.
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the self-journey
seeing your child go through emotional challenges initiates a profound self-reflection. the journey involves questioning your abilities as a parent and as a human being. there is no scientific backing for my hypothesis, just my own observations from my experiences trying to navigate through an untenable situation with maddie.
emotional stages of navigating a parenting crisis
1. denial and disbelief:
the initial response was rooted in denial—this couldn’t be happening to us. tragedies like this were meant for other families. the challenge lies in the universal vulnerability to mental illness, regardless of background.
2. shame:
a wave of shame followed, not directed at maddie but at myself as a parent. questions about what i had done wrong and whether i was fit to be a parent arose, casting scrutiny on my approach to parenting.
3. shield:
the instinct to insulate maddie took over, limiting the sharing of our ordeal to a select circle. the plight of a suffering child handcuffs parents, forcing decisions based on instinct rather than a clear thought process.
4. fear and anxiety:
fear crept in, fuelled by the realization that if maddie attempted this once, a recurrence was possible. anxiety set in, manifesting physically with symptoms like insomnia, elevated blood pressure, panic attacks, nausea, sadness and pressure headaches.
5. depression:
the transition from anxiety to depression was swift. two weeks after maddie’s passing, the anxiety surrounding the fear of losing her lifted, and a heavy cloak of depression settled in. the aftermath, marked by funeral preparations, felt like navigating a turbulent storm of grief.
the non-linear nature of grieving
grieving isn’t a linear journey; it’s a tumultuous rollercoaster of emotions. the stages of denial, shame, insulation, fear, anxiety, and depression intertwine, creating a complex tapestry of parental grief. maddie’s loss left an indelible mark, and navigating the aftermath meant confronting the depths of despair, each emotion a poignant reminder of the profound impact of mental health struggles on families.
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to read more from chris coulter’s powerful memoir, “wake up, you could lose your teen to suicide: a father’s guide to dealing with teenage depression & anxiety,” be sure to check out the full book on amazon.
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