panic disorder had this woman trapped in a cycle of terror
8 minute read
"without a doubt, the pandemic has elevated everyone’s anxiety, but for my mental health, it was the perfect storm," megan told healthing about her panic disorder. getty
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according to a report by the world health organization, the global prevalence of anxiety and depression increased 25 per cent in the first year of the pandemic. and while there are no clear numbers on where we stand today, it is safe to say that the pandemic has impacted everyone’s mental health to some degree.
for megan (her last name has been withheld for privacy reasons), although it wasn’t her first panic attack, the most severe one she ever experienced occurred while receiving her first covid shot. in the months that followed, her mental health spiralled so out of control, she felt trapped and terrified in her mind and body. megan thought that she could handle her anxiety by herself but getting outside help turned out to be the lifeline that gave her an opportunity to rebuild her life. this is her story.
this interview has been edited for length and clarity.
growing up, there were definitely signs of anxiety, but getting my first covid shot was the moment that turned my low-simmering anxiousness into something that would quickly take over my entire life. before the needle was even out of my arm, a wave of heat and absolute terror came over me, starting at the top of my head and traveling down my body to the ends of my fingers and toes. i felt like i was short-circuiting. i became completely overwhelmed with fear, convinced that i was seconds away from death. i didn’t tell anyone, but after that, i became hyper-focused on my body, on every little sensation, every twitch and pain.
after that experience, i started having more panic attacks and constant anxiety. i became anxious about going to my full-time job in retail — i’d have a pit in my stomach, feelings of paralysis in my arms, and dizziness. i couldn’t
understand why. as the summer went on, i started having panic attacks at work, and i would either run out the back door or go to the washroom to hide and try to calm myself down. i ended up quitting my job.
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i developed an intense fear of having allergic reactions to food, even though i didn’t have allergies
i had been studying remotely since the pandemic, but in the fall of 2021, i moved back to montreal to resume in-person university classes. i found an apartment and thought that i could manage my anxiety issues on my own. by that point, i had developed an intense fear of having allergic reactions to things, particularly to food (even though this had never happened to me before), but i figured if i just stuck to eating familiar things, i would be fine.
on only the second or third day back in montreal, while i was alone in my new apartment eating a banana, that white-hot heat and terror came over me, and i had another extremely intense panic attack that went on for hours. i couldn’t’t breathe and i felt like i was dying. after that, no food became safe to me, and i completely stopped eating. a few days later, i went to leave my apartment to purchase some school supplies and again, i became completely overwhelmed with anxiety. while walking, i had to sit down every few minutes, as i was hyperventilating so much, i felt like i was going to pass out. i purchased what i needed, and i went right back to my apartment. i stumbled through the hallway and the moment i unlocked and opened my door, i collapsed.
the following week, i was expected to start classes, but i realized that there was no way i could do that, let alone take care of myself. i called my dad to come and get me and i was so overwhelmed with anxiety that i couldn’t even think straight and couldn’t pack my own belongings. my head felt like it was filled with cotton. my dad arrived and we threw everything into boxes and bags and filled up the car. the whole ride home i was curled up in a ball and focused on tracking the remaining distance.
as much as i hoped it would, coming home didn’t fix anything. luckily, i was able to transfer into some online classes, but my fear and anxiety just grew and grew. my fear of having an allergic reaction to food worsened to include allergic reactions to anything, as well as intense fears of being poisoned by something in my environment. i would eat a piece of toast crumb by crumb, and my mom would have to try each food first to ensure it had no poison in it. i would panic touching or smelling anything even remotely unfamiliar, worried it was either something i was allergic to or something highly toxic or poisonous that would kill me in seconds.
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in mid-september, i finally called my family doctor and told her what was going on. she referred me to a psychiatrist, but informed me that it could take weeks — if not months — to get an appointment. i was terrified of going into a medical setting, of being given sedatives and medication, but my family doctor insisted that i was in crisis and advised me to go to the er. there, the doctor immediately performed an ecg on me because my heart rate was so high. i was absolutely terrified.
after her first covid shot, megan’s mental health spiralled so out of control, she felt trapped and terrified in her mind and body. getty
the psychiatrist said, “your brain is on fire with fear”
at the hospital, i was given medication for anxiety to hold me over until an appointment with a psychiatrist, and within days, i was formally evaluated and diagnosed with panic disorder. i’ll never forget my psychiatrist saying, “your brain is on fire with fear.” i burst into tears because in that moment, i knew that he understood the gravity of what was going on and how intense it was for me. this began my treatment journey, which first consisted of two types of medication to help control my anxiety and panic attacks. i decided that this was not going to be the end of me, and that i was going to fight this with everything i had. i was so terrified of the medication that my psychiatrist had to give it to me in liquid form, allowing me to “test” it out first — a drop on my finger, then on my tongue before i eventually swallowed the first dose.
in addition to the medication, which, after an adjustment period, has helped immensely to reduce my racing thoughts and panic attacks, i am also receiving cognitive behavioural therapy (cbt) where, with the help of a psychologist, i am able to investigate my thought patterns and i am relearning to think rationally. a big part of cbt for my condition is also exposure therapy, where i force myself to face my fears and do the things that scare me. it started with leaving the house for five or 10 minutes at a time to going into increasingly large or crowded spaces, to eating new foods. it was like recovering from a stroke — i needed to relearn all these things. i had to show myself that it was safe to eat, shower, leave my house, exercise, drive… i had to start from zero. fortunately, i have a really compassionate, understanding, and patient support system, which consists of my immediate family and friends who are educated on mental health.
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i’m so proud to say that i’ve come a long way since my diagnosis. i’m in a much calmer and rational mindset and am a lot more functional. i’m able to eat again, keep up with remote classes and work, hang out with friends, go shopping, go to the movies, and drive locally. i still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis and there are still many things that i’m working towards with my therapist, such eating in restaurants, taking public transportation, going into the city, travelling, and getting on a plane. that last one probably won’t be for a while but mark my words, there will come a day when i’m eating pasta and drinking wine somewhere beautiful in italy.
don’t do what i did and wait until you are in crisis to get help
the main thing i would say to someone who’s not super educated on mental health is that those who suffer with mental health conditions cannot control their symptoms. i think there’s this fundamental misunderstanding regarding mental illness that because it produces primarily psychological symptoms, that these are somehow within the sufferer’s control or their fault. that could not be further from the truth. these are diseases of the brain, which is the seat of who you are. when this stops functioning properly, everything in your life comes to a screeching halt. and this can happen to anyone, from any walk of life. no one is immune.
to anyone struggling with mental illness themselves, what i’ve realized and what i want to remind you is that when you’re mentally ill, you’re not thinking straight, you’re not seeing the big picture, and worst of all, you can’t control your symptoms on your own. you can’t fix something that’s broken, with broken tools. you need outside help. it’s not going to be easy, and you’re going to have a lot of ups and downs, but you can and will get better. and, if possible, don’t do what i did and wait until you are in crisis and completely unable to function to get help. everyone can benefit from mental health support.
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to speak specifically to anxiety disorders, i think there’s this perception that those with anxiety disorders are just fundamentally weak, fragile, and fearful people by nature. this really could not be further from the truth. if you met me, i would not strike you as someone with a severe anxiety disorder. yes, i have an issue in one particular area, but there are things that i have done in my life and things that i continue to do every day through my work and in my personal life that would terrify most people. if anything proves this, it’s how i’ve coped with my diagnosis.
without a doubt, the pandemic has elevated everyone’s anxiety, but for my mental health, it was the perfect storm. i am only 23, but i’m confident that this was the worst thing i’ll ever have to go through in my life. i’m graduating this spring, and while there’s anxiety about getting into full-time work, i know that i’ll find a way to thrive in my career.
maja begovic is a toronto-based writer.
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